Helene-
I think we can bet our lives on the fact that our emotional involvement will color our perception of the situation. You left me a very wise insight on your last response to my post that described distance in order to gain perspective.
You are so right. It is not the drug of choice- it IS the behavior behind it that matters. When I first came here- I was urged to consider the question that there is NO guarentee that he will ever change-- can I accept this behavior from him all of my life?
A resounding No.
I am codependent by nature- just the way I evolved and I am 24years old. Without substances I have still become unheathily attached to a person so their absence from my life is something I read as an inadequacy in me. Frequently I get this feeling entangled with the FACT that abf is an addict and he will do what addicts will do and it does not reflect anything on my part.
Truthfully, the addiction has brought me to my knees. The self-esteem and self-worth that I fought for prior to meeting him has erroded to the point of nonexistent.
I do not believe I deserve better- this is my illness.
To answer your question of what addiction arises out of- I think there are many things that can serve as an impetus. I know for many that addiction and drug usage has just become so hardwired- so wrapped up in their identity that they could not imagine dealing with the world being sober.
I have come to hte conclusion- despite what he says because of COURSE he denies it- that abf is one of those individuals who cannot handle reality, who equates being sober with an excruciating pain and that he would much rather live his life coping this way than deal with the daunting task of throwing himself into recovery.
Sadly, our addicts BELIEVE that their way of coping is serving them well.
It is NORMAL to second guess yourself. You've read my posts- I am constantly going back-and-forth between who is right and who is wrong.
Yes, you think he can be so many things. But as I've said before and I've said again- someone on here reminded me that what I see today of my abf is the ONLY thing I am ever guarenteed to have. Everyone has potential to be many things - but the best indicator of the future is the past.
We get so wrapped up in the insanity of understanding addiction. For me I keep trying to accept that it's not about me.
You made the right choice of deciding that this is not what you want. You deserve a healthy relationship that is 50/50 - someone who can appreciate you and believe in you and help you towards any dreams and goals you have. An addict can never FULLY do these things- my bf (At times) was also a functioning addict- that is what made this time such a hard fall. I feel he could control his usage for a moment and than it got out of control again and all he wanted to do was be by himself and see me when he wanted to see me and spend the rest of his time isolating and being MIA getting high.
Not to say that I am still not distrusting myself- because I do, often- but I am trying to trust that I KNOW what recovery looks like and that my gut does not lie to me.
You're doing the right thing.