i was going to the store then all of a sudden i had a though about my ah, and i do believe that he's out using, i may be wrong but its what i believe and i do have an idea of what goes along with his using and it dawned on me, that its not about me and it was nothing that i did or didn't do to cause him to do this. he's an addict and his addiction won't allow him to do what he really wants to do and i imagine that as bad as he wants to stick to boundaries, its just too hard to do without help and determination.
i remember how bad i felt because i just couldn't do the right thing. i wanted to so badly. it was like i HAD to go to rehab and that is one place and one situation that i want so badly to avoid. for some reason, thats the hardest thing for an addict to decide to do. not to excuse the addict, just thinking how i felt so bad for so many yrs, thinking that i was not good enough to keep my ah from going to the streets but i just realized that his going to the streets, had nothing to do with me. i guess its a kind of lightbulb moment.