HKAngel24

I'm at a bit of a crossroads at the moment. Seeing that the more interaction I have w/rabf the more apt I am to slide back into my role as a puppet on strings- my life, moods, mentality at any given moment in time based on him giving me attention, affection or the degree to which he is or is not conveying a commitment to recovery.

So today I realized how slowly, over time all of the necessities of my life have slowly fallen away and everything has become about him, his addiction and his questionable recovery.

I realize this and am a bit ashamed by it- feeling it pathetic for me to completely sacrafice my life. Some of my lowest most codependent times I have actually left class (I'm in college) because the anxiety and obsession were too consuming to either meet him and make sure I "Saw" that he was okay or to talk to him so that he could prove to me that he was ok. Craziness I tell you..

This morning thinking about this, I got angry.
I felt victimized.
I felt like I needed to guard myself against him trying to steal my soul.
But then I began to accept that it is MY job to focus on me and to believe that MY LIFE is worth it.

So sad how our own illness allows us to completely engage in self-neglect.
I am honestly deeply embaressed by the extent to which I have lost myself in another- thrown the bits and pieces of my life away to focus on this other person- an ill person.

So I just wanted to pose a sharing thread for all those who wish to share- the point at which they realized they were neglecting themselves and how they took that back.

Today- for me- I am trying to minimize my interaction with abf because it allows me to focus on myself more and prevents me from focusing my entire day around him and what he is or isn't doing.