sketscher

I've been away from XABF for 4 months now officially. In the midst of my leaving him I felt I had a break through of my own. Realizing that being with him was really all about me NOT taking care of my own inner turmoil. Much easier to try to fix someone else's problems right?

The root of my problem lies in the fact that I confuse body image with self image and that I don't believe many men find me attractive which over the years has made me bitter and left me with little self confidence. In the past four months I've lost 20 pounds and begun working out. I feel better, I look better, but it feels like a thin mask I'm wearing.

See I began dating a very nice normal man about 2 months ago (now I know why it's important to really feel healthy but...). The relationship has been slow moving which is a great pace for me right now. However, I catch myself constantly letting my lack of confidence shine through. And I know he notices this. In fact he tells me outright "you're fine" "relax" "you're doing everything right". This is all great actually because there are things, rude accusations that xabf made to me that without another opinion I may forever have thought I were true. But it's become clear to me that I can't hide my damage.

The other night my date mentioned he saw my books on co-dependency. I asked him if he wanted to know what that was all about. He said "I think I should". I simply said "my ex was an Alcoholic", he replied "and?" I say "and that's it". He presses further "I would think co-dependent means you're like that guy you mentioned (guy was a man who's wife left him for another guy and he ended up suicidal for 2 years then shot the man and himself to death!), someone who can't live without the other person and depends on them for happiness" I say "well it's more like I was just trying too hard to help him, doing things for him that he should have done for himself because I thought I was being a good grilfriend" "does this freak you out?" he says no.... the conversation changes to another topic and the mood felt ok. But the next day happened to be the first day I didn't hear from him. And now I wonder...

I'm not feeling too awful yet. But I am aware that my recovery has barely begun.

There is also the fact that the same day as the above story happened found out xabf went on a long weekend with his x. Doesn't make me jealous but makes me hate him for being such a liar and cheat for he is obviously still interested in me. (I still work with the jerk).

It's such a mess really! IS ther any advice anyone can offer to help me beleive I am able to redeem myself? If you've followed my threads you'll know I was no angel. I completely sinned up by being with xabf in the first place.