Hi Notpeter.... ((hugs))
What I believe is that rehab is a type of "school" that helps addicts learn about themselves and addiction.... while trying to clear their minds and bodies of the drug so they CAN begin to think.
There is a lot of delusion and denial in any addict... sounds like both things are still strong in your ABF.
What I know is that rehab is not a "silver bullet".... it is a not a "cure"... so perhaps if either of you are thinking of it that way, you have been disappointed. There is no such thing as a cure.
Not everyone needs meetings and rehab to get sober.... something like 60% of alcoholics who get sober say they did it by themselves.
But many of that intractible, other 40% say that their program saved their life. There are programs other than 12-step.... Cognitive Behavior Therapy.... SMART.... Rational Recovery.... MANY others.
But it doesn't sound like your ABF is ready for those yet. When he is, it will be HIS desire to reach out to them and look for what he needs.
Until then, I have found AMAZING relief and insight myself by attending Alanon. I may not have needed 12-step to get sober (I am also an alcoholic, sober since 1983), but I NEEDED Alanon to get sane... they saved my life.
I urge you to try some of those meetings for yourself. I hope you are as amazed as I have been.
(((hugs))))