is it time to move on, to let go?
My life with AH while he drank for 12 years was insane... I asked, begged, cried, wished and prayed that he would come to his senses and quit, or get in under control.... but he always just broke his promises, hid it, lied, or made me feel like it was my fault, or my imagination... so, after years of therapy and al-anon meetings, I realized last summer that I couldn't change him, I could only change myself by not worrying about him all of the time, by releasing him. So that is why I asked him to move out in August. He will admit now that he is an alcoholic and that he never would have stopped unless I stood up and told him I couldn't take it any longer, like I did. So, he's been out of the house for almost 10 months now and he says he is sober, but that is very hard for me to believe because he also says that he only went to AA for the month of Sept. and that he finished all 12 steps and he's done... but I know it is a life-long struggle and commitment, so that makes me skeptical.
But really what happened during all of those years of drinking is that he broke my heart, he stopped being himself, he stopped loving me, looking at me, touching me, he just stopped caring, or being here. And forget about the kids, he never had anything to do with them. Now, with his "sobriety" I have been hoping and waiting for him to come back to me with love and remorse, and fight for me, fight for our marriage.. and he hasn't. He still has no emotions, he is not sad, or mad or eager to get back together, he just says, "ok, I'm sober now, get over it".... and I can't. I would open the door for him in a second, if just once, in all of these months, he came over, or called, with love in his heart, I keep thinking that any man who realizes what a mess he was, and what a mess he's made of his marriage, and how much he has hurt his wife would do ANYTHING and go to any extreme to win her back... but he hasn't done anything, really, he's done nothing but shrug his shoulders and tell me he doesn't know what to say... ugh. I always used to feed him his lines, but now I just sit there too and cry and hope that he will do the right thing, but he doesn't. So, I think I am just so tired of waiting and hoping and crying and we have to get divorced so we can both move on... it is just soooo sad, because I love him and miss him. And that's why I haven't written in so long, because it is just too sad.
I am working a lot because I am paying for pre-school, and all of our groceries, clothes, health insurance, dental visits, gas, little league, ballet, birthday presents, easter, christmas, valentines, utilities, phones, cable... everything... And twice now I've been humiliated at the grocery store because my card was declined, and when I called him, he'd say, "I only have $20 in my pocket" and he never gives me any money! I'm at my wits end, and by getting divorced he will have to start contributing more with child support and alimony and health insurance.. but I hate that because I don't want it to be about money, I don't care about money, it's about the loss of trust and love...
Depressing isn't it? Sorry.
But day to day we are all really fine. Really. The kids are happier because we have a routine and and warm loving home. They don't have to live with the upredictability and uncertainty of a drunk dad. Not getting any positive attention from him, with him walking past the dinner table and never eating with us, he would make his own meals around 10 pm when we were all in bed and then pass out on the couch was painful for all of us. Neglect is a form of abuse. He does come to visit them on Thurs evenings and Sunday's when we get home from church... he just stays here and plays with them and puts them to bed, which is more than he ever did while living here!!!!! They don't ask for him when he is not here; ever. There is nothing to miss. But they deserve a good dad in their lives, so I would never stop them from seeing him, I will just always be aware of whether he is drinking or not.
I am losing weight because I am sick to my stomach a lot and I have a hard time going out with my friends because it's hard to have fun right now, but I still love working and am usually running around so much between the kids activities and schools that I am very busy and am good at being happy on a surface level... because even though things are bad, they are actually getting better. It's just my hopes and dreams of what our marriage would be have been destroyed and that is a hard thing to let go of.
He is a good guy, and I love him with all of my heart, I just don't have enough love for both of us anymore, I'm exhausted.
So, that's the story...
What do you think? Am I crazy? Is it time to serve him the papers and move on?
to let go....