Thanks again to all of you! It really helps to hear words of experience from others.
As of today he is moving out, into a fellow recovering addicts place. I feel that his sponsor is probably a better place but thats his call. He is committed to the 12 step program so I hope thats enough for him.
Last night I went to my 3rd meeting and bought 2 alanon books. I have just finished working through step 1, well I finished last night and then we had a long, 2 hour talk. It was sad and great. I guess the wishful part of me figured now everything will be ok and he won't move out. I think he has more brains then me because he has made a descion and is sticking to it.
The logical part of me knows that I can't control anyone but myself and I need to just let go and focus on myself. Focus on helping myself get better so that I don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships, whether that be with him(I hope) or not (probable).
By fixing myself I will hopefully ensure my children don't get caught in the same trap I did. Also of my issues of control come from my dad and mum splitting up when I was young and the chaos that ensued.
It is so sad that we got on so well last night. We held each other and it felt so right and so so sad at the same time. I know my hormones are making me more prone to fits of melodrama and I feel schizophrenic half the time. There was that one moment where I really just wanted to make love to him...luckly good sense and hormonal tears won the best of me and I abstained from guilty pleasures.
Both of us couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. He got up to study --he is in college---paid for by his work, thats why he is not working. They pay him EI but I guess he got himself into to much debt and so all his money goes to bills, though I wonder how he can afford to live with his friend and yet not help me financially?
I still feel like he really is interested in on of these women in particular. She is not sexy or hot or even beautiful. She is pretty in that down to earth way. She has been in the program for 18months and I guess she is the anti-me...firstly not hormonally crazy and she has worked the program he so dearly loves. She gets his feeling..I need to stop with he before I go nuts. Whatever happens happens for the best. I pray to god that him and I walk out of this together, holding hands and as a strong "power couple" We can then help couples in the same predicament in the future...wishful thinking...all I have is hope and an empty bed and a sad 4 year old. I guess at least he is a good father and will still spend time with our son.
I am going to work on step 2 today! I am powerless over my addict and my life is unmanagable and I am about to put my trust in my god as I understand him! I keep saying the serenity prayer!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I CANNOT change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference!!!
God bless you all!!!