WENDYLOST101

Okay guys. I really need your help. Most of you know my story. My husband has a very bad back and that is how his addiction started in about 2003. About 4 years after I married him. He was not an addict when we met, when we got married, and not even when we decided to have our child. The addiction came after. Well it kind of started while I was pregnant, but anyhow.... Here we are. He had back surgery in Feb of 2005. I had the doctor tell me to my face then that my husband might have to be on some sort of pain meds foir the rest of his life. I heard the doctor say it. I guess I just chose to ignore it. Well, since then I thought my husband was getting better, but then I would find out he went to the doctor behind my back to get meds. He will go for a long time without doing that and then he will do it again. He has been doing it more recently here lately. He doesnt get too much from them though because he is not staying messed up all the time and I can usually tell when he is. Well, last October on one of his visits to the doc they told him he had a cyst on his back from the surgery. Now with an addict we cant trust anything they tell us, right? So I dont know what to believe. He says they wanted him to have surgery then but he told them no. He has been back to other doctors since then, but I never get the full story or truth about what is said so.... I know he hurts. The doctor said he might hurt for the rest of his life. Some good days, some bad. Well, recently the bad days outweigh the good tremendously. My husband is asking me for help in finding him a doctor to help him. First I am terrified that they will tell us he has to have surgery again. I cant handle that. I dont think I can anyway. I know how selfish and uncaring this may sound, but I dont know how to handle it. I am not a caregiver. I am amazed at the fact that I can take care of our three year old son as well as I do. I dont want to have a husband that is sick and needs to be taken care of. I dont want to handle the financial burden that it will place on me with him being out of work again. Last time we had to move, we lost our car....
This whole situation is so hard. I am not trying to make my situation sound any different from any of yours I just feel like it would be different if my husband was just fine and one day decided to go out and buy crack and get high. But its not like that. My husbands addicitn started with a legitimate back problem. Yes he is an addict now, but still has the real back problems. I dont know how to seperate the two. I dont know how to help him find someone to help with his back problem without feeling like I am just handing him pain pills, or enabling. We have tried pain management before and all they did was give him more pills. And we tried me holding on to his meds and giving him them when he needed them, but that turned into a nightmare with him stealing them or getting mad when I wouldnt give him more than what he was supposed to have. I feel like I am falling apart over all of this. I dont know what to do or how to handle this. I dont want my husband to be paralyed cause his wife wouldnt let the doctors do to him what needed to be done, but at the same time I dont want him to live high on pain meds all the time cause I took him to the doctor to get them. What is wrong with me? I wouldnt wanthim to sit by and do nothing while I am in pain. Do you guys see what I am saying? Please dont think bad of me for this. I need some help, guidance, advise, helpfinding a good doctor, anything. I will say thank you in advance. I love you all.