Hi -
Welcome to our forum. That's awesome about your RAH! Way to go. I know that life has not been at all what you thought that you were buying into though. My RAH has 21 months now so I understand a lot of what you are going through. There are many times that I have thought that recovery was as hard as active addiction - just in different ways. Actually, I know that that is not really true - just that at times it feels that way.
I can't tell you what to do but I can share my experience. I have worked my own recovery to the standard that I wished that my RAH would have. It's helped to keep me (more or less) out of his program and to grow into my own skin. I realize how sick I had become and needed my own help. His disease is lifelong and so is mine. I have problems with speaking up for what I need. I was stuck on "is this reasonable?" A wonderful woman in Naranon told me - "who cares if it's reasonable, it's what you need". I figured out what I needed to make a lifelong commitment to a recovering addict. If what I need is what I need and if the other person is unable to meet that need then I need to change the situation. I have strong boundaries around my RAH's involvement with other women. (he cheated on me in active addiction). It's his choice to be involved or not, but if he choses to do that I will not be in a relationship with him. I know that I will be ok no matter what his choices are. I have a preference for what they are but I am no longer hostage to his choices. It really helped me to have support (here and in face to face Alanon/Naranon meetings). Through all of this I have learned about behaviors and what I can and can't live with.
Recovery is a lifelong journey. The first year of recovery is especially demanding. Most counselors that know anything about addiction will not even begin to attempt couples counselling until after at least a year of sobriety. The RA is still way too fragile in their recovery to begin to deal with those types of issues. One of the main ways that a RA stays sober is to give back to other suffering addicts. This means a lot of alone time for the partner. One thing that we did was go to one meeting a week where there was a Naranon meeting at the same time as the NA meeting. We were then able to "share" some of our recovery. I have had a lot of experience in AA and the anon rooms and I know that same gender support is the "norm". It is drilled into everyone that same sex sponsorship is for the best. That has just been my experience. I would not like my RAH to have a deepening bond with another woman. But that's just me. I wouldn't care what she was recovering from.
There is a lot of wisdom in the posts before mine. Is it reasonable to expect financial contribution, co-parenting, respect for your boundaries, and understanding. Those are things that we all deserve. I have to remember that it is my choice to stay involved with a man that has a wretched disease - and always will. It helps me to remember that I am dealing with someone that has been arrested emotionally. My RAH used for 35 years - 20 of it crack. He was/is very out of touch emotionally in a lot of areas. To this day, he reverts to adolescent thinking and behaviors. In fact, I am currently detaching from him this morning because of that! Figured that I would get out of myself and come here and see who was around. I feel a lot better - so I appreciate how you have helped me this morning!
Teke has a lot of wisdom and insight and what she said is so true. Relapse is common because this is a chronic disease. I don't live in fear of that (usually) but I am ALWAYS prepared in my own life to deal with it and know what I will do and that I can take care of myself. To me, there is no other way to survive in a relationship with a recovering addict - one that I have to remember, is my own choice to stay in. That does not mean that I accept unacceptable behaviors....it means that I care more about taking care of me and my children than I do being in a relationship with him.
This forum is an excellent place to come to learn, share, grow, and love. I'd suggest reading all of the sticky's at the top (SO IMPORTANT!) and reading the books by Melody Beatty that everyone suggests. Good luck in your journey!
Keep us posting - we need you here as much as you might think that you need us!
Love, Donna