whymyfamily

He called every night to tell me he loved me and sometimes he would cry because he was afraid he would never see me again. He was living temporarily with his brothers, "M" and "C". I assured him I would come back, but first I had to set up over here. I became broke trying to pay deposits and things, so I returned 8 days later to Mexico with 400.00 to help him and myself and live a little cheaper in Mexico until we had another crossing plan. When I was waiting for him in the bus terminal I looked up and there he was coming for me. I was happy but alarmed. He looked like in 8 days he had lost 30 more lbs. I knew immediately what was going on. We hugged. He hugged my little girl and then he sat down with me and explained that he had a card for a good rehab center. I asked why and if he felt he needed rehab again and he said yes. He explained that while I was gone for 8 days he was using again. This time he was shooting into his veins and you could tell. It took a toll on him.

He was kind and loving most of the day until the Heroin wore off and the demon appeared. His eyes looked empty and he had no soul left. The way he would speak to me and the things he would say were horrible. He had no Heroin, but he kind of mellowed out after a shower. I had to go to the US to call my mom and he asked for 10.00. I can't believe it, but I gave it to him. I returned to Mexico with my daughter and I had stopped to have an ultrasound. I found out I was having a boy. When I arrived at his brother's apartment I told everyone. They were happy. He looked as if he was dead. He was mad because it was dark, so again, he didn't know what time it was. He was in the bathroom throwing up, so he had just shot up, and he kept crying all evening.

The next morning he woke up. He was eager to get out of the house to go work and look for more heroin. I didn't give him anymore money. We walked to a taco shop and as my daughter and I were eating he left us jumped on a bus. He said he would meet me in the border line. I knew he was going to the Villas to score Heroin. I grew sick inside. I couldn't believe I returned for this drama. In one breath he loved me and the next he was angry.

I went to look for him in the border line, but none of the brothers had seen him. I grew even more angry and told brother "C" I was leaving. Brother "M" gave me a ride with all of my things and as I was standing in the border line up walks "B". I called out to him and started crying. I got out of the line and we walked a little ways to talk. He was high. He found money and had went to get high. I was gonna die if I had to watch this more and more each day. There was nothing I could say or do to stop it or help. My man was killing himself rapidly. He couldn't walk or react to anything fast in motion. He was not nice all of the time and he couldn't use the bathroom or tie his shoes. I was afraid of HIV, so sex was not happening. He was shooting up and even though he said everything was clean and new, I couldn't believe it. He wanted everything. Drugs, sex, me. He would say anything to have it all. Clean needles. I wasn't sure.

So the next day rolled around and the straw that broke the camel's back was when he asked for $2.00 and I gave him $5.00 and then I got angry, because I knew it was for drugs and he was about to leave me at home all day long to look for money and dope after I had traveled all the way back to Mexico. I told him to give me the money back and he threw it at me and yelled at me and told me how I didn't understand and how selfish I was and how if I didn't give him the money he was never gonna cross the border, so I said goodbye to him and packed my things and took a taxi to the border.

As the taxi driver passed the Villas I saw him, "B" with his orange and black sweater walking up the hill alone to the Villas. He was going to get his breakfast shot (HEROIN). I placed my hand on my stomach (my baby) and one arm around my daughter and gave her a squeez. We were leaving for good. There he was in the Villas. I remembered the 7 puncture holes from the needle in a row on a vein in his hand. Two fresh ones on the other hand and two more on his forearm.

That ride home on the bus to my mom's, 147 miles away, was long ride, but we slept most of it. I was thinking of the lie, the excuse I was gonna make up to protect him from judgement from my family. I couldn't think of one. I was all out. I first told my sister and she was very understanding. I told my mom and she was understanding too. They knew he had battled it in the past, so they weren't surprised. I didn't tell them everything, nor did I tell the duration, but they will know eventually.

He called the next morning and explained he was checking in to rehab. He didn't ask for me to return, I told him that I left so he could get clean. I told him I would be here with his children when he was clean and ready. I explained I wasn't giving him any money or any free ride anymore. I wasn't handing him a trip to the U.S. without him working for it. I wasn't coming back to Tijuana and it was his turn to turn his life around. I had things to do for myself, my daughter, and my unborn son. He explained he loved me and my family more than anything and he was going to do the work to make this right and clean up his life. I told him I loved him and he said the same. He spoke to my sister and asked for forgiveness. We didn't turn our backs on him. We support him from a distance.

It has been two weeks and I have not heard from him. I pray to GOD everyday that my family be restored. I believe that "B" is in Rehab and is unable to call. He is in Mexico and has no money to call home, so NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS. If he were to call tonight it would be too soon. I could not expect that he is clean and sober and ready for all of this just two weeks and I have to remember that. If he were to call tonight it would mean that he is not in Rehab. I don't want that. I want him to want to be in Rehab for himself.

I have to stop myself from letting crazy thoughts go through my head and I have to keep myself from renting a car and driving to see him. Now is not the time. I had to let GOD take completely over. I am not in control of this
situation anymore. I am 5 months pregnant and there is no antidepressant to make any of this go away. I refuse to go down that path again. Or put my children in harms way anymore.

I love you "B" and may God be with you. I pray for your recovery and the restoration of the wonderful, beautiful, loving person that I know you are.