About memories, anger and forgiveness
I still have memories that pop into my head and cause emotions that range from total rage to absolute disgust. I had several significant memories that would hurt me as much as they did the day they happened, so I would try to push them out of my mind because I hated that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that those memories brought back. But, shoving them down didn't work so well.
Now, when I have one of those memories, I don't try to shove it back down where it came from. I try to let myself feel it and then I try to let the pain go. It doesn't usually completely work the first time, so when it comes to mind again, I repeat the process. Some of the worst ones I don't know if I will ever completely be able to let go of, the hurt was just too deep. But I am much more at peace than I used to be.
It really is basically grieving for the relationship that I wanted so desperately to believe that I had, and accepting the fact that it really never was. And forgiving myself for staying way too long trying to turn it into what I wanted.
For me, another thing that has helped me to start to get past the anger-and believe me I had (have) plenty of it-was choosing to forgive EXAH. I had to learn to see him as a very sick man who is totally out of control, and one I certainly would not want to trade places with. I have my sanity; he doesn't.
Thiis choice to forgive him was not for his benefit. I did it for me, to stop allowing all of it to eat away at me. It really seemed to be the last stronghold of control that he had over me, the rage that that those horrible memories brings to the surface. It certainly wasn't hurting him; it was only hurting me.
In forgiving, I am not forgetting that he abused me for years. But at the same time I am not letting the anger that I felt toward him define who I am any longer.
Whoever came up with the idea 'forgive and forget' obviously never loved anyone like my EXAH. I used to think that if I forgave him, that meant I had to forget whatever it was and continue in the relationship.
I no longer believe that God desires for me to forget. His word tells me to forgive, but in multiple places He also tells me to 'remember'. I believe He desires for me to remember so I will no longer put myself in danger. If I don't remember, I can't learn a better way.
In forgiving EXAH, in no way am I saying it was ok for him to treat me and my kids the way he did (still does...). And I most certainly will never trust him again. I decided several months ago to 'guard my heart' against his abuse. It wasn't easy but it is definitely worth it!
None of us will ever be the same person we were before addiction came into our lives. In many ways, though, we can actually be better for the experience. Like forgiveness, what we take from the experience is our choice.
It would be easy to become bitter and lose all hope that life could ever be any better. Or.....
We can have compassion on others that are stuck on the roller coaster; we can reach out and try to share what we have been through and perhaps save someone else from not only self-destruction but from doing all the wrong things in an effort to 'help' their addicts. We can let others know that they are not alone and that we understand their pain. I believe that in doing these things, we receive healing for our own hearts as a bonus.
I first saw this compassion when I came here; it gave me a hope I didn't think exisited. And that's what I love about the SR family!
((((HUGS))))