Old 04-11-2007, 04:27 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
BeginAgain
Day by day....
 
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Yes I do feel on some level as if I am totally justified in cutting ties completely and I do think that after moving past it a little, that I would be a healthier person and I would have a happier overall family dynamic. Everyone in my life really has great dread about having to visit, being involved or being asked to do anything for him.

But the guilt gets me every time. I have come a long way in the last 10 years or so. I no longer feed into the crisis, disrupt my life totally and turn everyone and everything on it's head to respond to his issues and crisis situations. But....GUILT - that ugly word. It creeps into my gut and in the end I take on whatever the responsibility is of the moment. Coming up soon we have a trip to Emory for a follow up eval and scheduling surgery to have the AICD/Pacemaker replaced. It is always an ordeal with him sneaking pills and taking his pills when they are already giving him pills....then he stays practically comatose the entire time which extends the hospital stay and makes it harder on everyone.

As far as confronting him. I have. I do from time to time, though I don't know why I bother. He is 100% textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everything he says and does is the gospel. Everything I say and do makes me an idiot. Even if you are presenting the facts there is a different version of the facts that nobody else ever heard...and he will quickly cut you to the bone to make the point that whatever the issue HE was the victim and YOU were the perpetrator _OR_ your choices don't measure up to his expectations.

It wouldn't have happened if you had not......... That happened because your mother......... You involved others in the family business and that caused it to happen......... You're not treating my grandchildren properly they should have..................... Your son is 16 years old, you need to buy him a vehicle immediately.... Don't you tell anyone about this or......You can fill in the blanks. I think you get the picture.

It is so bad that the very idea of a visit causes me to have a physical reaction to the emotions, tension, anger and contempt that lives inside me. For that reason I limit myself as much as humanly possible. I saw him this past weekend for about 1 1/2 hours, had my rock of a husband and my two kids with me to soften the blows because he doesn't act up quite as much around my husband. That was the first time I've seen him in 2 months or longer. It was uncomfortable and my mood was noticable dark and I felt ill the rest of the night.

So for now...I allow myself occasionally to go through this hell. I know that I have a choice. If I could just figure out how to move past the guilt of not helping a man who can no longer drive, no longer has any outside friends and has no contact with family other than me. I have no brothers and sisters. My parents are divorced. All my cousins, aunts & uncles are in prison, drug dealers or addicts or both. I extracated myself from their world completely when I first got clean in 1992...but it has not been that easy to pull away completely from him.

I know I am rambling. I know the answer I think. I am just looking to share the mess that lives in this situation with someone else. It does help to talk about it and get feed back from people who do understand and can offer good suggestions or even just sympathy. Most of my friends don't get it. They have these normal - great relationships with parents they visit often.

Thanks to all for reading and responding.
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