Co-dependant? ME?!
Living back with my Mother has really opened my eye's to Co-dependancy. I finished reading "Co-dependancy No More" and now I look at her differently.
I look at myself in the mirror and think "Now you know how you got here"
My Mother was Married to an Alcoholic (my Father) for 18 years.
I was alway's so scared of my Father. He was a violent Alcoholic. He through things down the hall, smashed what ever that was in the way of him and did alot of yelling and swearing.
Just a few years ago, he showed up at my work (a Casino) so hammered that he had to be removed by Security. (how embarassing) Till this day the man still drinks. I told him I was going back to school in 2 weeks, and it diddn't even phase him. He did sip his vodka though.
I remember my mother growing up. My Father would be in a rage, and my Mother diddn't do anything. (She was probably scared herself) One time, he put my head into the coffee table when I was 7. He was helping me with my homework and I couldn't concentrate because the alcohol on his breath was overwhelming, and all she did was look into the living room and ask "what happened?" as I ran up the stairs crying.
She divorced him when I was around 10 or 11. Never dealt with Co-dependancy issues. Maybe they never had a name for it back then. But the woman is Co-dependant today in so many ways its scary. Now I know why I am here. I realize I come from a long line of "Co-dependancies". My Grandmother was married and phsically abused by her Husband. He pushed her down the stairs when she was 6 month's pregnant, and went into labour. My Mother was 3 month's premature.
I can't help but feel some anger in me. This was the best my Mother and Father could do?! on the other hand, the guilt is tearing me apart. I chose a drug addict for my precious Son's Father?
I love my Mother for taking my Son and I in to get our lives together. I love her dearly. No one in the world could ever replace her.
Good note, I left the book on the coffee table and she asked me if she could read it! (God please make her read it!) lol
My biggest dream it to make it stop here and now! I don't dare think about years from now and still acting the way I do now... I don't ever want' to be with another addict again!!! I have lived this way for too long! Time to be a "Jones" and stop acting like one!
Good night everyone. Thank you for letting me release it all.