Bren -
Hi again from down in Charlotte. The first year of recovery is an extremely selfish one. I was lucky and was well-warned by counselor's that the RA needed to fully focus on himself....not our relationship. I have a very full life too but I found that Naranon/Alanon were imperative for my recovery. My change in position was a good one but a scary one as well. My husband's relapse prevention counselor would not even okay our starting relationship counselling until he had a year of recovery. In hindsight - I think that that was a great idea. I've learned that there is no working on a relationship without a lot of individual work being done first.
Keep trying different meetings until you find ones that you like. I loved my Naranon meetings but there wasn't a whole lot of long term recovery in those rooms. Most of us were new and hurting. The support was great but many times we just didn't know how to do the next right thing. It was difficult to find a sponsor who had made it through the 12 steps. I had more luck with that in Alanon. Actually did both for a long while. I know now that I had to work on my recovery every bit as hard - if not harder - than my RAH.
Last night, I was in a meeting that was reviewing the 7th step. In the 12/12 it stated that self-centered fear was the root of many of our character defects. When our basic instincts are threatened then we self-justify and out pop those old character defects. I found that by returning to steps 1.2. and 3 I was able to begin to deal with the fears.....
As they say - it's a journey. I know that you are ready for things to be "back to normal" with your relationship. The trouble is, there is a new normal and the world of recovery is imperative. It takes time.....like they say - it works if you work it. We're here for you - hang in there. It's a lot to go through.
Take care. Donna