Sobriety does not immediatly bring sanity.
I've seen LOTS of using behaviors LONG into the sober years.
I agree with Satit - go to the open meetings. And if your spouse won't share his program with you, then find some Alanon meetings on the same nights, and every time he goes, you go.
You can have the commonality of 12-step without attending each other's meetings. Many conferences are AA/Alanon. You can travel to them together, listen to the speaker meetings together. There is much in program that can be shared.
But by the time someone gets to 12-step, there has been a TON of damage. And (this is my opinion here!) I believe it takes 100% from each person to help fix that damage and I think it can take quite a long time.
Time takes time.
But there is an investment in the relationship... for me, it is worth it to TRY to fix the broken one than go out and get another....
I wish you the best ((hugs))