Dixied I understand your dilemna.
First I am going to put on my "sober and clean hat", lol and tell you this:
When I wanted or needed or craved alcohol and drugs no one, and I mean NO ONE had better get in my way, I would have mowed them down. In other words there was no stopping me and there was nothing that anyone could have done or did that would stop me. My own addiction had to bring me to my knees.
Now, having said all that, you think in sobriety I would know that, rofl, NOPE. At 3 years sober and clean my sponsor had to STRONGLY SUGGEST that I attend Alanon. WTF?? Well, needless to day she was correct. I was now on the "other side" and didn't have a clue what to do about my then AH. Sheesh, I had to really learn how to Mind My Own Business and just let him 'run with it.'
Oh that was so hard. I mean I had all these thoughts, 'why couldn't he see what it was doing to him and to us?' 'maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.' 'If I was a better person, he would stop.' 'If he loved me he would stop.'
I knew all those thoughts were crazy, h*ll I was coming up on 4 years sober and clean, yeah right. Well this time his addictions brought me to my knees. I finally got it:
I didn't Cause it,
I can't Control it, and
I sure in h*ll can't Cure it.
I got real busy with my AA/NA/and Alanon meetings, and was finally able to make the Pro and Con List of to stay or to go. After a long time of working on that list, much writing and much discussion with both my AA and my Alanon sponsors I filed for divorce.
It took a long time to get through this thick skull of mine that the only person I can help is ME.
Alanon has helped me tremendously in my "Sober Life." It has made the relationships I have with my sponsees so much better.
Dixied I have to tell you that early in 1979 when I was 33 1/2 yrs old my parents literally 'shut the door on me.' Told me if I called they would hang up, and they did, and that if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, and it was, that it was my problem and I would have to fix it. It took me another 2 1/2 years to be brought to my knees. I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I reached my bottom.
On June 7th I will celebrate 26 years Sober and clean and on June 24th I will celebrate 23 years in Alanon. Without both of those programs....................................I would either be dead today, or in a mental ward.
Later when I was again able to have a relationship with my folks, my mother told me that she had reached the end of her rope and if she had not cut the ties with me when she did that both she and my father would have ended up on a mental ward in padded cells. In the final conclusion, they had to save themselves, and pray that HP would save me.
Only you know how much you can take Dixied. It is a very hard road you are on now. Please know that we will walk with you, and help in any way we can.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!
Love and hugs,