Fourteeen Days!
This is an update on my ABF who left fourteen days ago. I haven't seen him since he left last Thurs. evening. He called one time, begging me to come get him, even though he was supposed to be in his pickup. He didn't have any gas to drive home. As some of you who have read my thread know, he was two hours away. He called at 12:30 am. I told him I couldn't come because I had to work the next day, and I had missed too much work because of him already. He hasn't called since. He only had the clothes on his back. He said he had been sleeping in his truck, but I really doubt that. Some of you say they usually get with their CH friends when the use. He said he always got high by himself, so I don't really know.
I want to share more of the conversation of that night and get your views. I told him I couldn't live like that, with his using, and I told him I couldn't stop his using. He didn't say a lot, except that it wouldn't be a big deal for me to make the trip, because he said I stay up late anyway---not that late! We talked a little about the evening he left. I reminded him of when he last called me, he told me he was going to meet a guy at 8 pm that night who he was going to do some work for. He said the guy had not showed up, and then I said, "So you just took off." He replied, "Yes." He then said to me that he had f___ed up, hadn't he? I agreed and camly said. "Yes, you did." He told me he guessed he had been trying to kill himself with his using. I told him that I had heard that before, and I didnt' buy that story. He then said he had to get off the phone. He told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him, too. That was the end of the conversation---and the last call.
I have so many unanswered questions. First of all, I can't understand how he could leave everything behind and not even call. I'd like to hear from him. There has, in my opinion, been no closure. He had said he would call me the next day, which he didn't. I figured he'd be back for his clothes by now. Is this his way of releasing me? Did he mean it when he said he loved me? Did he ever love me, or was I just a free ride? Is he dead, still using, or maybe, finally, in a long-term recovery center that won't let him call? Days go by and still "nothing."
This is the weirdest feeling. I have gone through so many emotions: hurt, anger, fear, etc. I am seriously trying to get a handle on my life, but I am dreadfully lonely and tired. I have gone through two really exhausting work weeks. It would have been harder for me to have accomplished what I had to do at work if he had been here. At work, I am so busy, I don't have time to think about him. When I get home, I have to face the four walls alone. I have few friends. He had done his best to isolate me from my family. My kids don't have any sympathy for me. They are just grateful that he's gone. They think it's just that simple...get rid of him. He's out of my life right now, but certainly not out of my mind, especially at night.
I just had to vent a little. I have learned through educating myself on addiction that there is nothing I can do except pray. Still, this cloud hangs over me. I am wondering if I will ever hear from him again. I would like to think that he will find recovery, but I am fearful that he has completely given in to the drugs. He had fought his addiction a lot so that we could lead a half-way normal life, but he was never able to give up the crack. He very skillfully hid the extent of his using.
This "not-knowing" is incomprehensible. The last words were, "I love you." Is that it, now? Never to be thought of again?