Update:
You all made my day. After receiving your posts I was able to articulate more clearly last night how i understood what I had done. You gave me the insight I wanted/needed. I appreciate completely how my secret action is a massive RED FLAG. I also learnt that porn hits the same brainspot as the coke. See, I never looked at it to get aroused, and wondered why I like to look at it. Thanks Donna.
While all is not sorted at home, my wonderful wife was far more receptive to me when I explained how I understood what happened. And that I appreciated her response, and understood it.
She is a truly wonderful woman. who has been trhrough hell because of me, and yet she remains loving. I can learn about what love means from her! Lucky hey.
So I will ACT in a way that reflects my sincere appreciation. I will definately be avoiding the porn sites, as I now understand it as relapse behaviour. I will share about this at my homegroup meeting on Friday, and I will come here again in the future for advice.
Thanks to all of you that helped me. I remain in love with my recovery - the best thing I ever did for myself was quit using, and started to work a 12 step programme.
With gratitude
calabash