Anvil....Thank you for being so very honest.
Nicole....I used to go through the same thing. I used to actually have mini anxiety attacks too. It was like I could hardly breath. I'd be running to the window at every sound of a car. Intermittenly I would call his cell but he would hit the hang up button so that it would go straight to voicemail. By an off chance I would catch him because he'd be just about to dial for the dealer again so when he hit any of the buttons it would pick up my call but then he'd realize it and hang up. I'd be left there screaming into the phone. This would go on all night long and it was all so fruitless.
My best advice...do everything you can to heal yourself. Go to meetings...read and post here so that you can get responses from all of these wise folks who helped me through it. My soon to be exah is a coke/crack addict, by the way. Slowly but surely you'll be able to do as Teke explained.
Many hugs coming your way because I know you didn't sign up for this kind of ride.