BeginAgain

My dad is the out of control addict in my life. He has been evil, manipulating, drugging, violent and verbally abusive for the majority of my life. Sometimes I think the violence ceased only because he is too sick and frail now to continue it. In addition to the substance abuse problems he has Narcicisstic Personality Disorder and many traits of other personality disorder types. He did horrible unbelieveable things to harm us throughout my childhood.

Anyway, I am also an addict who spent many years in recovery before a relapse. I have been on medication assisted treatment for a while now but I am close to being finished..in fact April 1 will be my new clean date. I am married to a recovering alcoholic 16 years sober. There is a little history for you.

But the real issue here is that any interaction with my dad pushes my buttons, makes me feel sick and empty as well as angry, frustrated and manipulated. On the deepest level of my being I want nothing at all to do with him. Nothing. But being an only child of a father with severe health problems as well as substance abuse and mental illness - morally I have not been able to completely sever the relationship. Maybe I get some sick satisfaction out of helping him that I am not even aware of. I know that if I don't pick up groceries or run errands for him I have alot of guilt about it. But mostly I refuse to deal with him when I can avoid it.

For instance, I try to limit things I have to do to help him to once a month. I don't call him or have any contact otherwise if I can avoid it. But without fail, he calls and if I don't answer he leaves mean, accusing, manipulative messages on my machine -or- has the nerve to call my 16 year old son and pump him for information about my family, life, things I say, etc... It infuriates me...but listening to the messages also hurts and somehow adds to my feelings of guilt. For instance, this week he called and said in the message "he just wanted to let us know that he is still alive if anyone cares and he would like to see his grand children". The next step is he will call me at work where I really can't avoid the phone and lay a guilt trip on me about seeing his grandkids or whatever else he can pull out of his bag of tricks.

He lies to me all the time. Recently, trying to tell me he was out of his DOC and can't live without it and I need to help him get an appt with MY family doctor to get his medication. He is not out - if he were out of Xanax after a 12 year 4-6mg per day dose he would likely be very sick or worse. He does things to hurt others. He recently obtained a credit card in my mothers name. They have been divorced for 11 years!! He is emotionally abusive and manipulative. He manipulates my 16 year old son into feeling sorry for him and tries to turn him against me. I hate it. But I feel powerless to change it. I have tried to limit my contact and set boundaries I can live with but they are always tested and pushed.

I am sorry this is such a book. I didn't mean to post so much. But it is a serious and painful issue for me. I have such a hard time dealing with him and the feelings I have when dealing with him. It often feels unmanageable. I guess I wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar family situation and how you dealt with it? Is there really anyone who has been able to cut such a close family member out of their lives completely and how did you deal with the tangle of feelings and fear that brings about?