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Old 09-11-2003, 08:50 AM
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kitkat
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Lightbulb Learned a lot about myself last night

So we went to our second counseling session last night and I was armed with the need to share about my youth and how I have played a part in where our marriage is today.

The session went pretty good. He told the counselor, though, that he doesn't want to talk about his drinking. How he feels that if we do, then everything is his fault and he's stopped drinking now so we should just let everything go. He doesn't want to keep talking about the damage it has done to our marriage.

He talked about how I never give him any affection. How he doesn't feel loved by me. How he is a very affectionate type person and needs affection all the time.

During these two speeches, the counselor told me he noticed some "fear" in my eyes. I didn't even realize it was there. We started talking about how I feel when my AH talks in an intense tone of voice. I told him I just can't think. Everything goes out of my brain and I don't know what to say. I tend to withdraw inside myself. We then learned that this is a conditional behavior that stems back to when I was a very small child. My parents were never very affectionate with us. We hardly ever said I love you. I never felt like I could do anything right no matter what I did or said, because it wasn't the what they thought I should do. Therefore I spent my entire childhood trying to get their attention by doing things to hurt myself. Once I had children, though, I couldn't do that anymore, because I didn't want to hurt them too. So I started putting on a mask and pretending to be who I thought they (my AH's) wanted me to be so that I wouldn't be rejected by them.

Unfortunately I found someone with the same characteristics as my mom (except on steriods) and I continuously battle with feeling of inadequacy. My sister noticed when she was here that my AH will keep arguing with you and will beat you down anyway he can until you just give up. Now with how I was raised, that is just disaster to who I am. I don't deal well with that and to top it off I don't get to go to a "safe" place and be alone to deal with it. I have it in my face all the time and it just gets worse if I don't react they way he wants me to. Then to top it all off, there's alcoholism in the mix.

I ended up crying a lot at counseling while rehashing my childhood and why I react the way I do. I cried even harder on the way home (I drove myself) and I found myself really angry at my parents, my AH and myself. I cried for another hour or two at home and couldn't stand to be around him. This morning I hardly talked to him at all.

He is so much like my mom in his reactions. He just wants me to "get over it" and move on. He doesn't undertsand I just can't do that. I can't control the way I react. I need a lot of help and patience and understanding from him. I don't think I'm going to get that, because it would mean that he would have to give up his expectations of affection, because I just can't give it right now. I know it will probably take me months if not years to get over this and it will be even more difficult to deal with it if I have it in my face 24 hours a day. I don't have time to feel "safe" and deal with it - he won't let me.

So I've pretty much come to the conclusion that we will need to separate. I just don't have the energy to take care of myself and deal with him at the same time. I'm going to see about counseling just for me, because I know I need a place where I can feel safe in talking about everything.

I think I've made some progress in my recovery, but I know I have a very long way to go. Thanks for listening guys!!
Kitkat
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