Making amends.
Well, for those of you that remember my last post about how I've finally been freed of the guilt that I've been carrying, you may also recall that I mentioned a very dear person to me in the process of my own guilt. In thinking further about it all, I realize too that I've also been suffering from self-loathing, which probably is alot of the reason that I've been carrying so much guilt.
I've tried to explain to my friend the how's and why's of my behavior and I've taken full responsibility in saying that it truly is my own fault (which it really is). And I've been willing to make amends and asked for another chance.
However, my friend has suffered a great deal of pain due to my behavior and now needs some time for himself to figure out his feelings, etc as he's under some stress and I sure didn't help matters.
It's been unbearably painful to realize that I caused someone so much pain and it hurts me terribly that I've lost someone that I loved dearly.
However, I am respecting his wishes and giving him the time and space that he asked for. And I'm trying to get better. Today I got up and I went to church - hoping to make amends there with my HP - and then I went and saw my grandson (he's a month and a half old and I'd not seen him yet due to some questions regarding paternity, etc) My point is that I am trying to do the right thing and make amends when and where I can.
In hindsite, I realize that many of the steps I have taken during my recovery were not taken in the right attitude. So, it's time for me once again to do them, and to do them right this time.
A part of me remembers that feeling of needing time and space - and I fear that my friend will never be my friend again. That pains me more than words can express here, but I can only hope to do better and prove to him as well that I truly am sorry. Unlike my XAH who drove me crazy, I want to prove that I can change and be a better person and that I learn from my mistakes.
One step at a time - one day at a time.