booklover

I can't stop myself.

I used to maintain my husband's band myspace for him and so...I have the password. I have been monitoring his messages lately. He got some messages from an ex that searched him on there. He emailed her back and invited her to come see him play a gig that will be close to her hometown far from our home. She emailed back her cell # and told him not to email her at myspace anymore "if you know what I mean"...I guess she doesn't want her husband to see the emails. This bothered me, she is involving him already in some secret scandalous situation. My AH did not mention that he was married or had kids in his emails to her.

This left me feeling bad in SO many ways.
The first, why did I read this? Why do I feel compelled to still do this?
The second, if I hadn't read this, I would be happy today still.
The third, do I have a right to be upset about this?
Fourth, do I confront him now or not?

I can be holding evidence and he can convince me I am wrong. Often, I don't even know what is ok and what isn't because my mind is somewhat warped by this relationship.

It really bothered me also that he had deleted only these emails, so that I wouldn't see them which suggests some impropriety I would think as well...he forgot about deleting them out of his trash basket though. Was he planning on seeing her? What does that mean? Why do I feel like I am waiting around for him to have an affair?

I did confront him because he knew something was wrong and kept asking. First he was mad I read the emails. Then he downplayed it. He said something like, "If anything about that was wrong, I am sorry." Then he asked me would I mind if he called her and invited her and family to his show. He said he would make sure to say he is married.

He has lied about so many things (I don't know that he has had an affair before, but during his crank days, I found text messages back and forth with some girl he met at a show...the messages revealed they were on their way to having an affair) that I don't feel I can trust him.

I am so sick. I must be to feel this way.

I am constantly thinking he is going to leave me for someone in recovery since literally most of his friends in recovery did that very thing. Wow, doesn't that suck? To have stood by your addict when no one else would and then they drop you for another addict because only an addict can understand another addict...I hear them say these things at the meetings my husband has drug me to.

Any thoughts on any of this....Should I be even be upset? Am I being unfair to him? How can I quit obsessing and checking messages?????

Thanks and my thoughts go out to all of you, as they always do.

Sorry for such a long post. And lastly, wow, I hate being so desperate and pathetic and needy sounding about this.