Thanks for sharing that Loves... sometimes things like that really put it all into perspective.
Sometimes I think about what would happen if he were to "get" me into trouble with his own use... which is SO possible, because we all know that caring about anyone or anything when you're after the drug is impossible for the addict... and I think about how I would feel, everyone thinking, "Oh, poor Trying..." or even worse, "She must have been right in the mix with him the whole time" or whatever. I think what I think about most, though, is how incredibly disappointed I would be in myself for not taking better care of me, and somehow expecting this person who can't even figure out how to stop using drugs to do it for me!
At first I was kind of offended that he hasn't tried harder to "get me back". Logically, I know that this is a blessing and just one more indicator that God is involved in the situation and is guiding us all... and also, I kind of wonder if maybe, deep down or not so deep down, it wasn't a huge relief for him to have all of that "guilt" associated with trying to meet my expectations lifted... or maybe he's just in a haze, like I am, not really understanding exactly what is going on or what the consequences are... and hasn't started really "feeling" yet... I don't know. I don't really need to know, I guess.
I do miss him, terribly. I feel certain there will be more "bad" nights to come. But I also feel certain that I won't ultimately miss never, ever knowing deep down that everything will be "okay" between the two of us, because I'm not sure that there is anything in the world that anyone could do, at least for a long time, to restore that feeling, if it ever even really existed in the first place.
Thanks for listening...