As if such clean breaks even exist in my world these days.
Broke up with ABF this past weekend... he showed back up that same night but not to fight with me or try to change my mind... almost like to say goodbye?
Well, did well for the past few days, but today he sent me a message and I did respond and did tell him I miss him - which is incredibly, undeniably true. Don't want to get back with him - well, I would want to get back with him if I could insure that basically the entire world would change and we could have a future - but in the REAL world, know that I made the right decision and, that if I were to slide backwards... I would end up in the same puddle of pain a few months down the line... and I don't want to come back, I want to move forward.
I've been beating myself up and down about telling him that I miss him - not that it incited any other response from him. What I mean is that he apparently knows I am serious (perhaps viewing me as stronger and more resolute than I really even am, which is good) and he is not trying to push me back or anything at all. So it's not a mixed-message type of beating myself up.
Just beating myself up in the absolutely usual way that I do - for not being strong enough, for not being sure enough, for not being "good" enough to do this the "right" way... logically, I know that I can't be Superwoman all the time, but I just feel like I can't even make a da*@*# decision and then follow through with it. At the same time, my heart is not, in fact, made of ice and the truth is that I miss him more than I have missed any romantic partner... and of course I am going to feel that way.
I guess I just am feeling really down on myself, when I thought I would maybe give myself a few pats on the back for making a healthy decision for once.
Once again... left wondering what is wrong with me...