I was just thinking about how I need to work my way back into being the person I know I am...kind, loving, friendly, etc. being involved with this man has led me to places within myself I never thought I would go. I was once slapped around by a boyfriend, and here I am doing the same thing to someone else. and oddly enough, there were aspects of that relationship in this one, obsession, emotional ups and downs, etc. I have always said that in the end it was a good thing he hit me because it put an end to the relationship, after someone hits you there is no going back (for me at any rate) and I think that in some way I was hoping that my abf would hit me back, or that he would even view things that way as well and would leave for good.
I think it is about wanting him to understand the pain, the hurt, the anger, the humiliation, all those things that I feel because if he sees them then he will stop drinking...HA..right. and I want him to pay attention to me rather than his drinks or drugs and the people involved in that world that he spent time with. I can't get his attention by being the loving girlfriend, he walks away from me all the time and choses to sit in bars instead of being home with me, so now I am going the other way, being the insane evil nut case.
either way, it was over the top....and yes, I need to make sure I never act like that again towards anyone.