New blue you are so right. it was my choice, my responsibility. I sit here and say to myself I felt this way, this crazy insane way because of his alcohol and drug abuse over the last 8 months, but I have to take responsibility for the fact that I stayed with him every single time, and there were so many chances for me to get out. and I let myself get this strung out, this insane.
If he calls I want to say to him "you are out of your mind to want to have anything to do with anyone that would be violent with you." and tell him him to just stay away. I mean, I don't want to be with someone I would do that to...is it love??? How can I say I love him when I have done this. And yeah, if the roles were reversed he would probably be sitting in some jail right now, I'd have the restraining order, everyone would gather around me and be supportive. Instead I sit here feeling ashamed and shocked at myself, and he probably is keeping the whole thing a secret.
this is ridiculous...I can't believe I let myself go this far into this, I have gotten so far away from who I truly am. I have done things over the last few months that I never would have imagined...if this was real love then wouldn't I be becoming more myself than the ogre I have turned into?