I have done somethings simular to this with my H and I know I was wrong. I can see that my behavior is not all about the relationship it is about how I cope with stress....
I had to come to terms with the fact that I was violent and no matter what else was going on it was my reaction and I had to own it.
I had to find help with this and learn that being violent was only going to make whatever situation I was in worse. Yes there were times in my past where I was violently violated and I had no defenses then but, now I am an adult and I can't let my anger get such a hold on me that I am violent with another human beingit is not a good way to deal with my anger.