Understanding what is being said…
My son is a recovering heroin addict. I can’t measure another’s pain but my own pain has been acute.
I love my son with all my heart. I loved him before he was addicted, I loved him when he was addicted and I love him now in his recovery. I will always love my son, this is a constant.
There was a time when I was here at SR when I was reading and listening to advice that told me to detach and take care of me. I heard it, I thought I understood it.
I became frozen in this sort of horrid limbo where I could not move forward or back because I thought to detach meant I had to cut all contact to my son. That, I am still sure to this day, this could have seen to the death of my son. Death at that time was hovering close to him anyway. Yet, now in retrospect I believe that was not what was being said at all, no one ever said (that I remember) those exact words –cut-all-contact. They said, detach from the chaos, which I did eventually learn to do and still maintain contact with my son.
We have to make decisions, WE can live with (not someone else) decisions WE can live with because we, alone, are the ones that have to live with those choices.
If someone chooses to cut all contact with their addict, I understand and support their decisions because it must be what is right for them. It would not be right for me.
I think addiction CAN be beaten down. I think there are good people fighting for their lives and if there is anything I can do to help my son I will do it (even if this means NOT doing something).
Many of my son’s friends are in recovery and honestly many of them have earned a warm spot in my heart and my home. I also do volunteer work with adolescents in recovery. I see recovery happen all the time. Recovery happens every day. Miracles do happen, I’ve seen them with my own eyes, with my own son.
Sometimes I struggle with the hard edge of some co-dependents. I don’t like the mocking or name calling that happens sometimes. It seems so hard and harsh to me and too quickly explained away as “just-our-humor”. Yet, I do understand why some are angry, especially wives. I also feel that some initial anger is a cover for underlying feelings of fear and betrayal.
I also feel that we need to allow our addicts to find and walk their recovery by themselves but even though this most likely will not be a popular view I think that those that have people that help them along the way, those that have people that love them and don’t withhold that love from them stand a much better chance at being successful at their recovery. This is one of the reasons I think that AA is so successful because addicts can always find support there even if they can’t find it anyplace else.
good luck,
sigh