oneeyeopen

Have any of you experienced this--you become completely unhinged and do things you would never have done, things that are as unforgivable as what the addicts do?

My abf has been clean for three weeks but is still drinking, we went to a place we have been thinking of moving to, where I had a job interview. This was a city that he had lived in for a while (this was planed before the last coke slip and I decided to go through with it anyway). While there he ended up going out and drinking and spending way too much money, leaving me alone in a hotel room, then he stopped by the room twice before passing out and was rather obnoxious and awful. The next day I told him that if that ever happened again that was it. And of course, it happened again, this time he took off drinking and spent tons of money and didn't resurface until the next day. I was so angry I threw him out of the hotel room and told him it was over.

So far so good...huh?

but then the next day, the one we were going to leave on, I let him come along with me to do some sight seeing and visit one of my friends, and we talked and I told him I didn't know what was going to happen between us but that if he wasn't sober I wasn't going to stay with him. well, that night on the plane I just came unhinged, cried non-stop for 3 hours of the 4 hour flight, told him I couldn't live without him, bla bla bla.

and then when we finally got back to my house we were both tired, but he anyway took a nap and went out, saying he just had to relax, was only going to be gone an hour...you know the rest, a call at 2 am, can he come back here, I agree to everything...

he crashes on my sofa and when I get up he still just sleeps there, I tell him to get up and get out, he refuses, wants to sleep some more...he then gets up, is verbally abusive and I became completely unglued and started throwing things, he got up, I shoved him, pushed him, threw stuff at him, I pushed him against a cupboard and he hit his head, he said he was leaving, went to get his stuff, I followed him, I continued to shove him and finally managed to push him so that he slipped and fell against a wall, smacked his head a second time and then seemed to lose consciousness for a few seconds.

please keep in mind that none of this involved drugs...just drinking and money spent, my money spent.

I was so angry, so depressed, I felt like he just keeps taking our dreams away, keeps doing the very thing that is destroying this relationship, I am so frustrated and mad and now I have reached the point of violent insanity.

I ended up taking him home, I feel drained, I feel shocked, how could I have done this? Physical violence trumps everything, I think it is worse than anything he has done. Okay, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive but never anything that even bordered on physically. He has been cruel and mean, but so have I.

I feel so crazy and so warped and sick, what has happened to me???? How could I do that to another person?

this relationship is just sick, sick, sick, and even sicker, is that in the car on the way to his place he still says he is in love with me "I don't want to talk to you for a while" he says, I say "why would you want to talk to me at all???" and he says because he is still in love with me. and I even believe that if he wanted to make another go of it I would probably go ahead and be with him again. This is perversity...how could either of us even think that?

Hopefully with time and perspective we can both detach and realize this relationship is sick, sick for both of us, that we should both just drop it. I hope he really does manage to not talk to me for a while, or ever. I am so humiliated and embarrassed by my behavior I can not see myself making any attempt to contact him. Perhaps that was the point, perhaps I need to do something that would make it obvious that we both need to just walk away from this....