No one is being judged here. It's hard for us to see things from an addict's point of view and it's hard to see from a parental point of view if you are a spouse and vice versa. Notsleepingwell means no harm with her opinion, so please don't take offense. This place is not about that.
I have an addicted spouse and I've stayed with him through more ups and downs than you'd believe, and a recent overdose. I've never felt like one person here judged me for choosing to stay, but I do feel like people have and SHOULD give me a gentle nudge if I'm spinning my wheels, whining, feeling sorry for myself or all around not being PROACTIVE about my situation.
When people suggest detachment it's so we as loved ones don't lose ourselves to an addiction that doesn't belong to us. It doesn't mean leave, it doesn't mean stop loving.
If you've done any of these things:
snooping
reading his emails
checking his phone
counting minutes he's out of sight
controlling his money
calling him constantly
etc. etc. etc.
then you probably need detachment because you are probably driving yourself crazy. I have and do every single one of those things and they lead me to breakdown every time. And to me, I need to find a way to live my life without feeling like I am being dragged along. I know in my head that I can't base my happiness on his sobriety, but I do. I have to take baby steps, any steps I can to stop doing that.
It is NEVER about us not leaving because we "like" the chaos. Some of us function well under chaos, or so we think, that's true. Some of us don't know any other way to live BUT in chaos. But an addict doesn't like to be an addict and we don't like living with it.
Truly, the happiest people I've met are ones that control the amount they allow addiction to affect them. I've met parents here who've not seen their kids in YEARS because of addiction. Eventually, you could find another spouse. You can't find another child.
Clearly, I do not believe in jumping ship on my marriage at trouble. But it comes down to this: when the pain of staying is greater than the benefit recieved in the relationship, it is time to go...no matter if you are a parent or a spouse. Period. That doesn't mean we will all leave, or detach or whatever, but we should.