Thanks so much to all of you.
Steph, what you said is me. I am my curse! And, like in Steel Magnolia's, I can't bring myself to share these feelings with Ward, or my mother or anyone else for that matter. But this board and my program are so different. I guess I feel like if I fall apart who will keep it together...
I have always felt as tho, if I REALLY fell apart I might never come back.
When these people say these things to me I feel like I am throwing up a shield to keep the horrible reality at bay. To Ward I will even say "I don't need to hear this stuff" and I will start reciting all my mantras about this being good for him.
We all mourn what could have been, what might have been...damnit, what should have been. I have mourned his choices so many times at different levels of his decline and I find myself doing it again. I guess, stupidly, I thought I had done all of my mourning.
I know the words, I know what to do to make me feel better, I have read the books and analysed "me" to the point of self absorbtion. As I write, the answers to my post are in my head...a whole new level of codependence...trying to control the uncontrollable...my own human emotions.
I trust that I will get through this because I have done it so many times in the past.
Now, if my family would just "Shut Up"! I really COULD use Weezie right now!! Better yet...if the Beav was standing here I might just punch HIM!!
Hugs,
JT