Therapist stuff
Hi,
I sooo identify with the suspicions and accusations of not being supportive or believing him thing.
The therapist I've been seeing told me that our intuitions are a kind of primal tool that we have - and very powerful. He gave me homework to repeat, "I am getting better at using my intuition every day" about 300x a day. It is AMAZING how powerful that was for me. You're not crazy. As the SO of an A we become expertly intuned to the tiny indicators of the behavior we dread. Learning, and believing, that I was *not* crazy but my intuitions were valid as such was tremendously empowering to me (it helped in parenting too). It helped me to not constantly second guess myself and become aware of what was going on. He told me that a healthier way than playing policewoman was to say to him, "I am feeling suspicious that you have been drinking and I'd like some reassurance from you." The idea being that it's healthier to be honest about my feelings than to be passive aggressive or control other factors of the situation. Keep reading more about codependancy - amazing what a trickster this stuff can be.
For example, If you stumble upon a cup with a bit of booze in the bottom that wasn't there before and he denies he is drinking and slurs his words and just wants to lay around - no matter how many times he tells you you're wrong, he is lying. This is a situation where you can trust your intuition, regardless of what comes out of his mouth. (It can be kind of funny the stuff they think people will buy when they're drinking)
Believe what you see, not what you hear.
Funny story about that - One time years ago I saw a cousin of mine who was a meth user - I hadn't seen him for years before that. He told me he hadn't slept in days because he did some meth and then went on a rant how the whole family just kept thinking he was on drugs and it just made him mad. I said, "Well you are, right?" He said, seriously, "Yeah, but they don't know that!" Stunning.
The therapist also reminded me that my job is to be empathetic and loving but not responsible for his actions - "He is in charge of his alcohol addiction. I am responsible for me." (another thing I'm supposed to repeat 300x/day) He told me that I could say to him, "You can ignore your health, and it will drive me away."
My A quit drinking the night before last. I've been looking for another place to live but the stark reality that I would probably be living in poverty with my 3 kids was a real blow - better than crazy though! His world is about to come crashing down on him as "people are figuring it out." It's definitely become unmanageable. He is nervous - hopefully enough to be motivated to quit, but who knows. He spent all night last night sweating and shaking through detox. I appreciated what someone said about enjoying the sobriety and not spend the whole time doubting and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hoping for the best, but with reserved expectations...
Reading some of these posts about people that have spent a lifetime in this struggle brings me a sense of relief that there are others out there, and also tremendous wisdom, but despair that it could never change for me if I don't unabashedly take care of me. Reading the posts on the other SR forum for alcoholics was tremendously inspiring and gave me a much needed lift the other day.
Oh my goodness- He just noticed the pile of his laundry that I started not doing for him a week or so ago! (Kind of hard to miss something 3 feet tall) The eyes are clearing some already!
Try Al-Anon. There's no cost for you. Go several times as different people will show up at different times, or try other meetings. Read. Also, keep posting and reading SR. The information in this post cost me about $600 in therapy - no charge! *Do* stuff to take care of you. I've been journaling - it's really productive. There's also a book out there called Boundaries. It's written by christian authors (Henry McCloud and John Townsend, I think) but it's super practical and they have all kinds of variations on it. I've just started it and it's really good.