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Old 02-16-2007, 07:50 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
DesertEyes
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
One thing I have learned in recovery is that I cannot give what I do not have. That means that until I am able to love _me_ in a healthy way I will not be able to give a healthy love to anybody else.

In the 12 steps of ACoA the part about loving others is in step 12, it's called "carrying the message". The reason it's the last step is because I have to go thru the first 11 and a half steps _before_ I can "carry the message".

I no longer hate my parents. There was a time when I did, intensely so. I had to do a number of fourth and fifth steps, in program and in therapy, before I was able to stop hating _me_. Only when I stopped hating me was I able to stop hating them. The last two years I've been knee-deep in the eleventh step, which is about learning to accept and return the love of my HP. I'm doing good with that.

I don't love my parents yet. Someday I will, just not today. I do love me, in a healthy way, so I know I'll get there soon.

Originally Posted by Mlynn View Post
... I'm grieving and just so angry that I scare myself....
I think that you are doing the right thing to find your own place to live and separate yourself from your father. As long as you are in the middle of the "chaos" that alcohol creates you will not have the time or energy to devote to your own healing.

Originally Posted by Mlynn View Post
... Where do you draw the line? When do you say enough is enough. When is "love" or "forgiveness" just not worth it anymore?...
I draw the line in the present. If my father were hurting me _today_ then I would do exactly as you are doing and get out. Love and forgiveness come later in recovery. First you have to protect _you_ from any further harm. That's what the first step of ACoA is about, recognizing that we need to get out of the chaos.

_After_ you get out then you can start working on all the rest of the stuff.

So how are you doing on that apartment search? What do you still need to do? Have you found any that look good?

Mike
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