Mlynn

Before I started my recovery I was also numb, I was very depressed, I cut myself, and contemplated/attempted sucide. I wanted to espace an "unescapable" darkness. I thought I was clinically depressed and self medicated with st.johns wart(worked for me) but also with alcohol & illegal substances. I hit an all time low after I lost a much loved job & went on to steal prescription painkillers from a family member who underwent major abdominal surgery. I didn't want to be that person anymore....in 2 years I went from someone who hadn't as much as smoked pot to someone who put a much loved family members health in danger so I could numb my self for a while. I was swirving out of controol and had negative emotions and behaviors that I couldn't understand. I would take 2 or 3 showers a day because the running water drowned out my cries. I held it all in. Bad things happened to me so I WAS bad...I was abused so I deserved to be abused....and would often abuse myself physically(cutting) or mentally(you'r so stupid exc). Once I got my hands on "adult child" books something clicked. I understood why I did what I did and suddenly there was HOPE. I wasn't mentally ill....I was grieving. After 18-20 years of repressed anger and sadness and repressed emotions & loss it was like boiling water....it just boiled over the top and had no where else to go.

Something changed once I knew what I was dealing with. I was/am still sad. I cry myself to sleep almost daily but now I look at every tear as a stepping stone. With grief you just have to walk through it...one step/tear at a time...each getting you a bit closer to a better place. With acoa's we are forced to surpress our emotions so when we finially face them they come out full force. What I feel now is every tear for every scraped knee, every fear, every loss, every dissapiontment, every emotion that I could never let myself feel from infancy. Now my sadness has a goal....to work through the natural process of grieving.....the process which was interupted because of abuse. I'ts going to be a long hard road....I have 21 years of making up to do....but it will all be worth it in the end.