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Old 02-15-2007, 04:13 AM
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Layla2222
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
"Real Me" vs. "False Me"

Hello Friends,

I am just starting recovery, and although I am finding clarity in so much of my life, I am still struggling with many issues…

One of my major issues is that I have suppressed all that is ME ever since I can remember. I have no recollection, or knowledge of who I really am.

On my path to recovery, I am trying to be aware of my every thought, so that I cant stop unhealthy behaviors/ thoughts/actions. My problem is I am having trouble differentiating between “the real me” versus “the false me.” False me: meaning letting

my defense mechanisms, my fears, etc. take over my thoughts and actions. To make matters worse, I often make excuses for the "false me" behaviors, and I cannot tell if I am acting/thinking/speaking a certain way becuase it is the real me--and this is what the real me seeks to do...or if I am defending the "false me" and my defense mechanisms?

Example: I am a student-teacher, and I had to pass back old assignements to a class full of 30 students I didnt know. I had to call each name, they would raise thier hand, and I would bring them the paper. Well, having a HUGE stack of papers, I became increasngly anxious and embaressed when I couldnt remember who was who after calling thier name 10 times already. I felt the students looking at me like, "Are you stupid? You called my name like 20 times already, and you dont know who I am yet?". Well, before the bell rang and the next classroom of kids came in...I found myself frantically trying to alphabetize all 500 of thier papers by name--so I wouldnt have to call them each 10-20 times. I cant tell if my attempt to alphabatize the papers was a defense mechanism at work? Was I letting my fear of judgement, anxiety, and embaressment take over? OR my other thought was that I knew I had to leave the second class early--and I knew (or thought) that if I passed each assignement back individually--as I did in the first class-- I wouldnt have had time. Was I making excuses for a defense mechanism which shielded me from my percieved judgement coming from the students? Or was I really worried about time? Maybe both? Does it even matter? If I had not felt embarassed in the first class, would I have been in such a panic to organuze the papers for the second class?

I might be thinking about this all wrong??? Because the “false me” is all I have ever known…I have no knowledge base for healthy thinking. Am I over-worrying/ over-thinking this? In trying to identify & stop my unhealthy thoughts/actions/behaviors, how would I handle the situation above?

If any one has any insight they can add, I would be greatly appreciative—or even a similar story?


With much appreciation, love, & support!
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