Today's thoughts, exactly as they "flowed" from my head....
(Feb 12th, 2007)
"His strength is made perfect in our weakness"
**Validate your feelings, do not be embarrassed
**My thoughts are real and they are mine
**Do not give up; do not go back
**There is no need to apologize for being me
(letter to mom)
I realize I am really starting to understand that the people who have been there for me over the last 3 days,have no benefit from helping me...but they do it anyways. I am used to looking at everything in a "cost-benefit" analysis...like, I am more of a cost to people at this point. I have felt, when I am a "cost" rather than being a people-pleasing-benfit, people have no reason to stay with me. I am a burden to them at that point, and it is not worth it to them. I truly believed I was unlovable....I know this b/c the only benefit that would exist for them to stay, is that you actually love me and care about me...and since I truly beleived they would leave me....I didnt think anyone could love me.
(To my mom
Dont be sad, because now realizing this is my first step to beleiving that I am lovable.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I have so many emotions. I feel as if I was missing a part of me my whole life, and now I am able to fill that void. I have dreams, and I see myself doing wonderful things on this earth. I feel so creative, and I want to write poetry, and admire art, and feel inspired.
I feel empowered. I feel empowered by God. I feel closer to God than I ever have in my entire life. My life makes sense. Everything is coming together. I feel as I have lived, not understanding myself, and all the pieces are coming into place. I was like a giant jigsaw puzzle, missing pieces, pieces of myself scattered throughout the house…some under the coach, and some pieces tucked deep into corners of the basement…but now I am gathering up all these pieces and putting them together. I can see the big picture.
I was so afraid of everything. I realized today I apologize for my every action. To be sorry, is to mean you feel you did something wrong. Today I apologized for having my notebooks, and purse on the desk…and I kept saying, “I’m sorry” and the kid next to me kept saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay”
as if …what was I so sorry for? I talked to Ian and I immediately apologized for falling asleep and not hearing my phone when he called. He said, you didn’t do anything wrong…and I thought…he’s right. I am not sorry, because I did not do anything wrong. I have not hurt, or offended anybody.
I am trying really hard to recognize my old patterns of thinking that can be dangerous… It’s hard because these patterns are all I know. I have to be really conscious of my actions. It’s funny because these “sayings” that never really made sense to me before, make perfect sense to me now! For one, I always read, “Hate is not the opposite of love…fear is the opposite of love.” I never really knew what that meant. I have been afraid of everything in my life…and now that I am able to release some of that fear…I am more alive than ever. I am closer to God in the last 2 days than I have been in my entire life.
I find myself de-validating my feelings…shrugging them off, and ESPECIALLY being embarrassed about them. I will write really emotional, sensitive things…things that come from my soul, and the next morning I regret that I shared it…or even wrote it. But I am forcing myself to validate these things, and to continue to share them. I need to “own my feelings”—another “saying” that makes so much more sense to me now. They are my feelings, and they are valid, and no one should laugh at them. And if they do…I will not die. I will not care. Not in an insensitive way, but I CANNOT feel responsible for making everyone feel good. If someone is made uncomfortable by my feelings, then they don’t have to read them. That is okay. And it is okay that they are uncomfortable…I do not need to apologize to them.
I can see how it’s easy to “slip back into my old ways”…but I will not let myself. That poem means so much to me…when it says, “You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty…from my lonely prison….
If you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
I will not make it easy for you.”
This is a large part of what keeps me going. I was so low—at bottom—and it’s hard to admit that—admit I needed help. But I know I cannot ignore this—ignoring this is misery. Complete misery. In fact, I almost feel like because I was so low—I have nowhere to go but up! And this makes my “recovery” much easier than I feel it is for others. I truly, deeply want to change. I want to put every ounce of my being into changing. I cannot give up—because THAT will be the end of me. And now, I have seen the light…and it is glorious. I am a “new person”…the person I was robbed of. But it is okay, because that is my journey. I now can fully trust in God, and know he will not give me anything I cannot handle. I know he is with me. I feel his strength.
So many little things…no matter how insignificant I thought they were…they all make sense now. I think I would do things in my life, and not really know why. I just assumed, well I must be “that type” of person…but no. I am never a certain “type of person”. I had deep reasons behind everything I did. It all makes sense and I feel overwhelmed with so much to think about. 25 years of making sense of things.
God INDEED works in mysterious ways…I told Ian, the best present you gave me was breaking up with me, hahaha…what a crazy thing to say! And to think I would tell him that only 1 day!! After I was so hysterically upset. He brought me to life. I am so grateful for his love, support, and understanding. I know we are here for each other. I feel I resented him before, and this I’m not quite sure why yet…but I would make him feel bad on purpose…how horrible. But even today I noticed I talk to him differently, and in turn, he talks to me differently. He broke my key-card, and I could of made him feel bad about it…I could have used it to gain some control over him (wow…it makes sense now! Haha)…but instead I sensed he was nervous to tell me, and I said, “Its ok! I know it was an accident. Its okay!” and he reacted so different…he did not have to be defensive. Wow, I was a “regular Rocco” I suppose. Ian does not know it, but he saved me. From the day I met him, I knew God put him in my life for a reason, and now it is so clear. I am so excited to grow with him through my life. We are each other’s strength. Ian is very spiritual, and has always wondered why I was not…and I am now also so excited to share my love for God with him…something he has understood all along.
He is so wonderful…yesterday I was reading, and learning, and I had so many “AH-HA!” moments…and I kept saying, “I have to tell you this! ‘Im so excited—it all makes sense!” And he was eager to listen, and he was so excited for me.
I feel like I won the lottery! This is all I can think about. I am so much happier now.
I am able to cry—and I am crying often—but there is such a difference because I cry with a smile. I cry feeling uplifted. I cry and I RELEASE all this pain. I want to cry! I need to…and it is so unbelievably happy and sad all at the same time!
I am learning to trust myself. I have these thoughts, that I will do something great on this earth! And I tend to blow them off and think, I am delusional…and these thoughts aren’t real…but they are. How will I ever be happy, if I cannot validate the wonderful aspirations I have?
I have always had trouble with my emotions…I used to get SO confused when emotions were running high, and it was like all of the sudden my feelings, my thoughts, my words, were like a big ball of tangled yarn. I panicked and my brain fried. I could not handle an argument in a healthy way because I didn’t even know what was going on after a point. I was so confused; I would say nothing and shut down. I thought, well that’s just how I am. But that is a unhealthy pattern of thinking…. I am never “just one way”. I’m hoping my thoughts will become clearer now, in situations like this.
What is really difficult, is that my entire basis for thinking…my whole knowledge base for working through life was “skewed”…and I have to free myself from labeling everything as “right” or “wrong”… “good” or “bad”. I am confused as to what I “should” be thinking…then I realize I “shouldn’t” be thinking anything but what I naturally choose to think. I cant think of it in terms of “should or shouldn’t” because that’s just another way of labeling my thoughts as “right or wrong”. I ask God for strength. This is another saying that has SO MUCH more meaning to me now…
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”