MY FIRST DAY....I JUST STARTED WRITING.....
Feb 11th, 2007
To my dad…
Children are born knowing nothing of this earth,
They are completely reliant and dependent on you.
You will teach them all you know, for they know nothing else.
You will teach them how to love, how to feel, and how to grow.
You were all I knew: You were my creator—my God.
I looked to you for knowledge of this strange place.
I was aware of my dependence on you….
Aware I would die without you….
B/c of this I could NOT admit you didn’t love me, even if its how I felt—because in my mind—that would be detrimental.
So it was easier for me to blame myself….
All of the anger, blame, fear, you projected—I projected onto myself.
As a baby, my mind would not allow me to understand or feel angry towards you…
For my survival…for my protection…
Protection from the idea that I was truly unlovable by those who meant the most to me—my caretakers, the ones who gave me life—my GODS…
I developed defense mechanisms…
I had to blame myself….
I lost my identity…I was deprived the chance to have one…
I am numb.
From you, I learned.
I learned shame.
You laughed at my new bathing suit; I learned to stop liking it. I never wore it again.
You were not at my recitals; I learned they were meaningless.
You discouraged my dancing, and told me it was childish; I learned that what I thought I enjoyed was meaningless, and learned to conform to what you found to have meaning.
You yelled, and I learned to fear you.
You argued, and I learned to avoid arguments at all cost.
You lacked all emotion, and I learned to hide my own.
You laughed when I cried, and I learned to hold it inside.
You never said, “I love you,” and I learned I was unlovable.
You blamed me, and I learned I was to blame.
I learned guilt.
You didn’t spend time with me, and I learned I wasn’t worth spending time on.
You were always right, so I learned I was always wrong.
You controlled everything, so I learned control is the only thing that mattered.
You worried about work, money, inanimate objects….and so I learned to worry about these things as well.
I live in fear.
You cared more about money that people, so I learned money is more important.
You belittled my emotions, my feelings, my opinions, and my thoughts, so I learned they were worth very little.
You did not want to hear what I had to say, so I learned not to speak.
You did not validate me, so I learned I was not valid.
You punished me without crime, so I learned I was in need of punishment.
You taught me to fear the water, and so I do.
You threatened to not pay for school because of my brother’s court fees; I learned I had done something wrong.
You locked me in my bedroom for weeks; I learned I deserved it.
You threw things at me, so I learned I deserved it.
You hit me with a belt, so I learned I deserved the abuse.
You told me it was my fault, so I learned it was.
You abused my mom, so I learned it was okay for people to abuse me.
You used me, so I let myself be used by others.
You valued what others thought of you above all, so I learned that was more important than what I thought.
You told me I was either “good” or “bad”, so I learned my self-worth was based on pleasing you.
You told me art was worthless, so I learned to stop doing it.
You taught me to be afraid, and so I am.
I dropped a brick on my toe, and it bled, and I was in pain. I ran to my room and hid, for fear you would be mad at me.
THIS WAS MY REALITY: THE ONLY REALITY I KNEW.
This was my “normal”
This was simply, “how the world is”
AS AN ADULT…
My emotions are hidden deep inside me.
I do not know myself.
I have never known myself.
NO ONE knows how I feel. Not a soul. Not even God, for I can’t let him in.
I seek your attention.
I seek your approval.
I yearn for you to tell me I am “good”…that I am a “good girl”
I want so desperately for our new family to like me, so that you will like me too.
I felt worthless as I saw you attending Jordan’s hockey games. I wondered why you didn’t attend my recitals, why you didn’t drive to my dance lessons?
I focus on you, because I always have…I base my self-worth on what I have learned from you.
I learned to seek approval not within myself, or from God, but from other people.
ABOVE ALL, I strive for people’s compliments.
I use money to buy love.
I try to please everyone.
I live my life in worry.
I am anxious.
I have anxiety.
I do not know how to handle conflict, so I run away from it.
I am always afraid I am in trouble and people are mad at me.
I am overly sensitive to yelling.
I am always defensive.
I feel everyone is attacking me.
I cut off communication with friends, in fear they are mad at me and will yell at me.
I have lost many friends.
I do not have friends.
I cry when I am criticized, because I believe it directly relates to my self-worth.
Any relationships with friends, family, and everyone always crumble. I do not know how to be me, and I do not love myself.
I am unlovable.
I do not think another person can love me, because I don’t even love me.
How can I live happily, when I am always afraid?
I lie so people don’t see how unhappy I am.
I lie so people won’t find out my deepest darkest secret: I am unlovable and I am disgusting.
I take out aggression on people I care about it.
I have “masks” for every occasion. I wear mask #1 to please Marlene, mask #2 to please Lyle, Mask #3 to please Ian, mask #4 to please Mom, Mask #5 to please you, and so on…
I do not know myself, but I know my “closet” of masks.
I feel responsible for all that goes wrong.
I have neglected my own needs for others.
When I must satisfy a need in order to survive, such as expressing a REAL emotion when I can no longer hold it inside, I feel I must apologize for doing so.
I feel like a constant burden to others.
Just as the helpless dependent child I was, I FEAR ABANDONMENT.
I revert to childhood behaviors, and once found myself, as a full grown adult, wanting you to cut my food up for me…like a little child would.
I don’t dare show my true self to ANYONE, for they will find my feelings to be a burden, and not worth it, and will leave me.
I do not know how to love.
I do not know how to be loved.
I have been deprived of joy.
I feel empty inside.
I am depressed.
I take anti-depressants.
I feel worthless.
I have lived in this body for 25 years…And every moment of every day, I have hated it.
I have felt uncomfortable.
I have felt disgusting.
I have felt ashamed.
I have felt deep, intense guilt.
I felt frustrated.
I TRULY believed from the bottom of my soul, that I was born defective.
I am unlovable.
But my worst fear of all???
…is telling you this.
And here I am, spilling my soul at risk of complete and total disastrous rejection.
At risk of affirming my worst fear… I am indeed worthless.
But I cannot live anymore, and this is my last resort.
I have been stripped, and I have nothing left…
Nothing to lose.
I HAVE BEEN WOUNDED, in the very worst way, for this wound you cannot see.
I am not bleeding; I do not need a hospital.
NOONE can see my wound; even I could not see it.
I knew there was something wrong with me, but didn’t understand.
I was dying, and didn’t know why.
I thought I could “fix all problems”…but I can’t fix the one that matters most.
Imagine the frustration…I know you can. I know you have felt it.
I could not function in life. I could not live any more. I sleep 18 hours a day. I do not have a single ounce of energy in my body. I have been abused…
And I am tired.
FOR ALL OF THIS, I CANNOT BE MAD AT YOU.
I cannot blame you.
B/c you see, we have much in common…
For all the pain I suffer, you suffer it too.
For all the emotions I was forced to hide, so were you.
All the emptiness I feel, you feel it too.
For all the shame I carry, you carry it too.
For all the guilt inside me, it is in you too.
For all the anger I hold, I learned it from you.
For all the FEAR I have, you live fearful too.
All my worries, you have them too.
For all the relationships I have sabotaged, you have sabotaged yours too.
For how I leaned to cope through manipulation, as did you.
For all the control I yearn for, so do you.
You taught me the only world of which you knew: THE WORLD YOUR PARENTS HAD TAUGHT TO YOU.
The horrible, disgusting, shameful, person that lies inside me for 25 years has been inside you for much longer.
And for you, I do not feel anger.
I feel sadness.
I feel your pain…
Because I am your pain.
TODAY MY LIFE CHANGED.
For both of us, I will carry this burden today.
The cycle stops here.
I WILL NOT allow my future children to carry this load.
I will release my fear, my shame, my guilt, my anger, my resentment, my need to control, my embarrassment, my disgust…
I have a long road ahead of me.
I will relieve the pains, buried so deep in my subconscious.
I will learn how to love.
I will be happy, as I never have been before…as I was never allowed before.
I AM FILLED WITH BITTERSWEET EMOTION
I am devastatingly sad for that helpless little girl…
Yet I am overwhelmingly joyful for the life which lies ahead of me.
I have NEVER felt this ALIVE in my life. I AM ME! for the FIRST time. I hope you can be you.
Do not be afraid dad. I love you.