Is it enabling if?

Old 03-27-2015, 05:08 PM
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Unhappy Is it enabling if?

So, even though AH is no longer living with us (myself & baby), I've been allowing him to come over & take showers & at least eat dinner before he leaves again for the night. I feel that this is the very least I can do to keep being a compassionate person-I don't want all the hardship of dealing with his addiction & behavior to turn me into some kind of heartless douchecanoe. He misses the baby & regardless of his actions I don't believe that tearing his son away from him is going to solve anything.

Is this just enabling him? Is it reasonable to set the boundary that he may visit us, but he cannot LIVE there? I've gotten flack on both sides-the side that says I'm a heartless bitch for kicking him out, & the side that says that even so much as talking to him or letting him see the baby is caving in.

Maybe I'm just not tough enough to bar the gates completely, I don't know...I do know that the baby loves him, that he loves & is good to the baby, & that I am very lonely & feel like a terrible person, first for marrying him in the first place, knowing all his issues, & now for kicking him out...
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:45 PM
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Is this what is best for the baby?
Is this what is best for you?
Is his behavior acceptable when he is there?
Is the baby, yourself, your heart, and your home safe when he is there?

Only you can answer, and there is no right or wrong answer. And, you don't have to answer those questions here, but in your own head. Trust your instincts.
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Old 03-29-2015, 12:53 PM
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Hi mnh1982.

Be gentle with yourself.

I don't think there is any 'perfect' or right answer, and you are doing your best.

I think you are striking a great balance and being very kind / fair.

What feels best for you? And what can you do to feel less lonely?
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Old 03-30-2015, 08:13 PM
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Turns out letting him shower & see the baby was a poor choice. He came over the day before yesterday to take a shower & spend time with the baby. Around 4pm he said he was going to run to the store, then go to a friend's to borrow tools to finally fix his car. He took MY car keys without telling/asking me, took the dog "to go for a car ride" & didn't return until 9:30 yesterday morning.
This time, I called in reinforcements (friends) who sat with me until he made his reappearance. Of course AH then launched into his typical list of excuses...his phone died or was broken so he couldn't call...he came back with my car & 'traded vehicles' & I just didn't notice that he had his & not mine...he slept in the car bc I had kicked him out earlier that week & he thought I didn't want him in the apartment & he didn't come upstairs to tell me ANY of this because "he didn't want to wake me up".
Little did he know that I had found phone numbers for the friends whose tools he was supposedly borrowing, and called his dad to see if he had gone up there. He had not gone ANYWHERE he said he was, the entire night.
Big surprise, right?
The entire thing ended in my throwing his crap out on the lawn while he stood there insisting he wasn't doing "anything wrong", & watching out the window as he drove away.
I have no idea where he is, or what he's doing. I fI call his phone, it goes straight to voice mail. He left the car part he purchased earlier last week (that is supposedly desperately needed to keep his car driveable), so I put that out on the porch. It's still there.
I know this is the only way. I know it's the right thing to do & the best thing for myself & my baby boy. We can't live like this, with a daddy who disappears overnight for no reason & won't be a real husband or father.
But right now I am tired, depressed, lonely & sad. My little guy shouldn't have had to go through any of this, but he also needs & deserves a daddy.
Anyway. AH still has tons of stuff here & will eventually need to come get it. I'm debating filing a DVPO. I know that if I do, the odds that he'll be allowed to be a part of our son's life outside of a few crappy supervised visits a week are slim. I don't know why I feel like he doesn't deserve to have his child ripped away from him. Maybe Im just weak...
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Old 03-30-2015, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by mnh1982 View Post
Turns out letting him shower & see the baby was a poor choice. I don't know why I feel like he doesn't deserve to have his child ripped away from him. Maybe Im just weak...
Ugh. I want to get real with you, if you can handle it. I don't want to cause any pain, but I feel you will benefit from an honest opinion. I hope so.

First of all, the child isn't being "ripped away from him." He is choosing to use rather than be consistent in his recovery so that he can be with the child. That's his choice made by staying in his disease, and when and if he gets clean and attends meetings regularly, he will be helped to understand that just as all us recovering addicts do. I'm not saying he's a bad person. He's a sick person. You didn't cause him to become addicted. You cannot control his using. You cannot cure his sickness. All you can do is refuse to go for a ride with the sickness. And you do that by staying away, and keeping him away, unless and until he's clean for some good amount of time and working a good program of recovery.

At this point, you have to love your baby more than you love him.
You have to be the one to make the tough choices that must now be made to keep the baby stable and safe. The best way to care for your baby is by caring for his mother, too. You can only be stable and sane by keeping all the lies and drama away from you and the child. Get the help you need to stick with your resolve and keep him away until he's healthy. You'll be glad that you did!
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:55 AM
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No you are absolutely right & I've already put most of that into action. It just sucks, because I KNOW he's not a bad person. But it astonishes me (even though it shouldn't) that he truly seems to believe his own BS & excuses to the point that he was genuinely distraught that I threw his stuff out on the yard & told him to leave. He even told me he would take a UA then & there-apparently (supposedly) you can buy home ones at the store??

Anyway. I don't know. Everything sucks right now except my son & I am tired, sad, scared & lonely. That's all. I'll live.
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Old 03-31-2015, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by mnh1982 View Post
Anyway. I don't know. Everything sucks right now except my son & I am tired, sad, scared & lonely. That's all. I'll live.
Alcoholics MUST live by principles or they go crazy.

F&F of alcoholics MUST live by boundaries or they go crazy.
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Old 09-16-2015, 07:53 PM
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I'm so sorry I know you were hoping that he had changed. What a blow it is when we find out they have not.

Keep yourself focused on your baby boy. You are doing what is best for him and yourself, don't forget that.
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Old 09-19-2015, 08:14 AM
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Hey Mnh, may all good things come your way. Try not to beat yourself up to much. From my experience, everyone has to try different ways to deal with an addict. It looks like you are doing a good job thinking through the situation and changing your approach as needed. I wish these things weren't so f#@!$#@! painful.
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Old 09-19-2015, 03:44 PM
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Just to say...

(I'm new here, and new to having an alcoholic family member, but what strikes me in reading your thread is this...)

It is your husband's drinking that is hurtful and dangerous to you and your baby, not your husband himself, and it is your husband's drinking that you know you must keep away from yourself and the baby.

Sadly, the man himself, who you love and care for and would like to help, cannot be separated from his drinking until he has gone through the long hard process of becoming sober and staying that way.

So when you kicked his drinking out, you had to kick him out as well. When you refuse to let his drinking come back home, you have no choice but to keep the man away too. That sucks for AH, but then there are plenty of things that suck about being an alcoholic.

He is the only person with the power to separate the man and the drinking. What you have to power to do is to keep yourself and your child safe.

I'd suggest you set much more stringent boundaries, such as not allowing him in your home until he has been sober (demand to see the UA) for a good solid length of time: 30 days at the very, very least. Pack up his stuff for him, or arrange for him to come in and get it when you & the baby are out and some 3rd party you trust can be there to let him in and supervise what he packs (you may want to pack away or hide any especially important items you don't want him to take). If you choose to let him keep seeing your baby, meet him on some sort of neutral ground (church? grandparents? child care facility?) with trusted 3rd parties on hand.

Change the locks on your doors at home. Seriously, do this. (If you're a renter, you can probably get your landlord to do this for a fairly modest fee.)

It may be too early for you to even be thinking about divorce, but consider consulting a lawyer about getting a legal separation. It's easier to get (and I think also cheaper) than a DVRO, and can help protect you legally from all sorts of stuff he might pull. If you do decide to get a DVRO, being legally separated makes it easier to get one. I'd also suggest moving whatever money, assets, and credit accounts you hold jointly with him into your name only. Get a safe-deposit box if you can afford it, or else get a good strong lockbox you can bolt to something.

Enough with the unsolicited practical advice:
Be strong, and know that you are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself and your baby.

(And, even if you do nothing else I've suggested, please change those locks.)
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