irisgardens

a year ago was when I started working the 4th step--not in order of the questions...but with honesty.

then i forgot...i was working but I think that my subconscious was also working on them...the pieces...

at that time, i thought i was a failure because i posted but felt that my lack of being able to learn or see too many other posts to learn from terrible.

now i am posting there and am able to see that it is not my failure to take steps...it is just that not too many people have posted on step 4 but i need to and am posting and dealing with it. i think the posting is part of my recovery--actually a very kind person on another thread pointed that out and I was happy to accept that suggestion...

i have many many character defects...and have worked conscientiously on some of the more obvious ones over time...no gossip (that was a big one as it resulted in silent treatment from my mother and sis with whom I was so deeply attached, but I asked them not to talk to me about each other and it resulted in the beginning of the end as they stopped talking to me altogether...and I had to grieve that and found that my family of origin is not capable of honesty...it is an enmeshed family--but that was after it all crashed in on me and I realized that I wasn't ever going to be accepted (again) and over time came to realize that I probably wasn't ever really accepted ever...but that I had partnered with my father in caretaking both...it has been a long road.

Well...went to a new low as I realized that my active heroin daughter (5 years in addiction) was going to be cut off by my immediate family a few years ago) and I was not ready to accept that...after all...her father and I had stood beside the older two who also had family support...and it was horrendous (it was crystal meth) and now...nobody was going to stand by her? Well...I have had to set a boundary with her...I couldn't do it after a year of trying again...and she cut contact for the second time...and then made sure she manipulated her older two female siblings...although since I was learning to reset boundaries...I was waking up to the fact that I am so very manipulable by those who are unkind or bully...so I was going through my own stuff.

I cannot deny that I am part of a very dysfunctional family...immediate family this time...but I can do nothing about that but work my program. I try not to think too much about it because it gets me thinking crazy. It is surely a family disease and I have no idea what to do but work my program and try to work this step...good and character defects...and also try not to work everything at once (as it is crazy making).

Grateful I could post today...

I believe in a HP (who I have called God since little) and I am grateful for the daily things...and grateful that today...I can feel grateful.

CodeJob

Hello Iris! Working at your own pace as you are ready is OK IMO. Not many post on Step 4 as frankly not many scale Step 4. I've met people in my meetings who have never bothered with the steps. A fair amount of people in Al Anon do not get past Step 3. It really is 'take what you want and leave the rest.'

irisgardens

CodeJob...that is awesome information and I so appreciate it. I have posted some of what I think my inventory is...and will continue chipping away at it...but the 'take what you want and leave the rest' as well as working at my own pace suggestions are just really helpful.

walkinganewpath

I have been starting to read about Step 4 work but I realized that I still have some work on Step 3 as I'm still too often willful on doing things to control my own outcomes and controlling/directing 'stuff'.

I think it is a daunting step for a few reasons. I think it is more 'labor intensive' in that you have to push yourself to ask hard questions, answer them and write them. On top of the emotions that the asking and answering brings up there is a lot of work in reading/thought formulation/writing, etc involved.

irisgardens

agree with you walkinganewpath...and I am taking this very slow..because I have been having so many emotions come up that I don't know what to do or how to start answering more deeply...and being more honest with myself about me.

i feel as if I have really messed up my life...I know I am willful and controlling--heck...for many years have been a financial leader in the corporate and my husband's business world...but have gone down for the count.

i don't know what to do (although many in my therapy over the years have told me that they believe I need to be more of a 'being' than a 'doing' but can't get unstressed enough to deal with that...and what it might mean.

am trying by following my naranon reading, my prayers, starting to pray to God for me and for help rather than all the other people in my lifetime I have prayed miracles for and miracles have been delivered in so many cases...but I am drained and exhausted...for some reason...me doesn't seem quite enough...to deserve God's miracles...and so the process is slow...although I have been a prayer warrior for a lifetime.

Thanksgiving was hard...but I dealt with it...and there are some good things too...but I feel as if life has hit rock bottom and I can't get out...so am in bed a lot since I lost my job 3 months ago...the resume isn't bringing in leads...and I am so overwhelmed.

Taking new meds...but they haven't done the trick for the anxiety which is awful...and the financial situation is so tight although I am taking the biggest steps possible to stay very very frugal.

Being grateful for a roof over my head...in Chile (where husband and I went when we went down financially here during the construction recession)--I lived on a construction site and had 3 minutes of hot water to bathe in for almost a year...not so bad in summer...but the winter was ferocious...so I am afraid of losing this roof and hot water...and don't have any new ideas...I have always been a 'good and creative idea' person. Have always been willing to get help...but for some reason...right now...I feel as if I don't deserve help and that I am all alone.

Husband finished his work in Chile with no money so am just trying to feel better and he found a small job for today...grateful for that...it will help.

Everything just feels so complicated...and I no longer know what to think or do. Had this happen once before...about 16 years ago when I went down with clinical depression after losing a child and then being too stressed (after 8 more years) to continue working.

I feel so worried.

CodeJob

Dear Universal Mother, please pop Iris in your apron pocket. She needs a cozy spot and reassurance. Please allow her the strength to just be today. She has been a doer her entire existence as you well know. Hold her close and allow her to see she can just be too.

Advent is a time of great expectations. She asks for little. Please provide her with reassurance that you are with her and will address her needs in this world. Some resume bites would be very worthwhile. Please help Iris' resume get noticed and acted upon. A job would ease many of her worries and give her a focus outside of the mayhem in her family and in her own mind.

Amen.

irisgardens

Thank you so much Code Job.