Lovemykids125

My addict bf (have 2 kids together) of 6 years is now 100 days clean. I have made him my obsession, I even went to school to be a nurse so I could work at a drug rehab... Figured that was great therapy by helping people when I knew there was nothing I could do for him. For 6 years I had this built-up fantasy of how sober life with him would be... PERFECT, because while he was using that was the only problem, his using. He was affectionate and caring and I felt so lucky to have him in my life even though to anyone else would sound crazy bc the rest of the works just viewed him as a bum. Now that he is sober it is nothing what I expected, EVERYTHING is opposite, now the only thing good about our relationship is he is sober! No more passion, he never holds my hand or hugs me or shows he cares. He says it's from all the things in the past that I've done to hurt him he was never able to deal with them. Which I can understand completely, but I am just so depressed I don't know what's wrong with me. This is all I have wanted and dreamed about for 6 years. He holds this bond with other addicts that me being selfish just sucks I'm constantly worries about him building a bonding relationship with someone that I will NEVER be able to have with him. I just don't know is it too late? Has there been too much hurt to repair anything? Does he not have a place in my life for him anymore now that I'm not obsessing about him getting clean? Or do I not have a place in his since he doesn't need me anymore? I just really need some support I never thought it would be like this with him sober. How do I start taking care of myself, I don't know how to be selfish I have always relied on other people's happiness to make me happy but now that he's clean I just feel like he thinks I'm not good enough for him and it's really messing with my head bc it makes me question what I feel my self worth is... Thank you for the support.

Kindeyes

Hi there and welcome to SR.

Interesting.....this is a pretty common theme we hear from the loved ones. They want the addict to get clean and then, when it happens, it is nothing like they imagined it would be.

The one thing I can tell you from my own experience is that when one person changes (and that can either be the addict or the loved one) the dynamic in the relationship WILL change too. The early recovery process is tough on everyone.

Is your bf going to meetings (NA, AA, etc?). Are you going to meetings (Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, etc)? The reason that I ask is that I have found that going to my own meetings that are about me and how I cope with someone else's addiction (and recovery) helps me tremendously. I can speak the same "language" and understand the process that the addict is dealing with. And, perhaps most importantly, make some changes in myself that will be positive changes (for myself and for the relationship).

Time will reveal more. He may simply be doing a lot of self reflection and that's ok.

One of the things I learned in Nar-Anon is how to let go of my expectations of others. My expectations of others often left me feeling let down and left them feeling bad because I expressed my disappointment in sometimes obvious....and sometimes very subtle ways....but the message was always very clear. I was disappointed. I can see how it might feel to the other person if I'm disappointed when they were using......and I'm still disappointed when they aren't. When do they win? When do they get their expectations met? Why bother to stay clean if they are disappointing me no matter what they do......

It took me a lot of time and my own self reflection to understand why I behaved and felt the way I did. It's not always about the addict.

I hope you stick around. Ask questions. Explore. Read the stickies. But most importantly, take care of yourself......sometimes we tend to get so wrapped up in the addict that we forget how to do that.

gentle hugs
ke

honeypig

Lovemykids, have you done anything for your own recovery? There are 2 people involved in this relationship, and if only one of them is actively working at recovery, the problems will continue. Most of us don't want to admit that we are part of the problem, but we are impacted by living with an addict and have become just as nuts in our own way as they have in their way. You also sound as if codependence is an issue for you, in that your self worth is all tied up in the happiness of others.

I see your join date is July 2012 but that you have only 12 posts in that time. Have you been able to spend some time here reading? There's a lot of very helpful information, both in the stickies at the top of the page and just in the general postings by other members. I know you've been to nursing school, but I doubt that what you've been taught is all that useful in actually living with a recovering addict, and even less useful in knowing how to help yourself.

I wonder if you might find more help in this section Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information or this one Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. The particular section you have posted to this time is for those who are working a 12-step program such as Alanon, and it doesn't sound as if you are involved in Alanon yet. It's not that you don't belong here, but just that you may find more help in one of the 2 sections suggested above.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Lyssy

Removing the drug of choice does not remove the problems, whether it is relationship, financial or emotional problems. Some may get better, some worse. Or the addict may just switch the doc.

This is why it is important for you to seek help for your addiction to the addict.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of good info and a lot of caring people here.

DragynLady

One of the things to remember is that the addiction exists to bury the problems the addict doesn't want to face. That means what can seem like kindness and lovingness can be a cover for all of the things they don't want to see.

Strip away the addiction, and they have to learn to deal with all of the other crap. In some ways, they can even be stunted; depending on how long the addiction has been going on, they may never have learned the coping skills that others may have at younger ages.

At 100 days, he's still *very* early in his recovery. He's got a long, long way to go, and to be honest, probably has a lot of growing up to do.

You can't expect anything to be perfect. What you need to do is focus on you; you've wrapped your life around your addict, and now it's time to work on yourself.

Start small. Go to an Al Anon meeting. Do something away from him. Tell him "no" if he asks you to do something for him that you don't want to do.

Baby steps.

Ifnotforgrace

What you describe is almost textbook co-dependent behavior on your part
Codependents are addicted to relationship- their perception is there is no greater loss than that of the relationship even if the relationship is unhealthy.

Often, co-dependents have experienced in their own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their childhood and relationships throughout their lives. They attempted to use others, their mates, friends and even their children as their sole source of identity, value and well-being and, as a way of trying to restore within themselves the emotional losses from their childhood. They are drawn to addicts an mistake being needed for being loved. They become the enabler of addicts which is why addicts are drawn to them. They feed off each other.

The Three Stages of Co-Dependency

1. Early: In this early stage, the co-dependent learns how to cope, and here the acceptance or rationalization of their addict's behavior takes place. They constantly try to help out this sick or addicted person going to extremes to do so.
2. Middle: The co-dependent develops habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms. When the coping mechanisms don't work, the co-dependent does more and takes on more responsibility. They adapt their behavior to accommodate their addict's active addiction. The co-dependent's focus is on the addict.
3. Control: The co-dependent, in frustration, tries to control more and more aspects of the addict's life. This often leads to family collapse and a crisis in personal values. Co-dependency, at this point, is reduced to continual self-defeating behavior.


Dynamics of Co-Dependents
1. Out of touch with their own experience: Co-dependents are in a "mood altered" state, leading to neglect of their needs. Co-dependents will often say things such as "I used to do that at one time", etc.
2. Their feelings are discounted: Co-dependents do not know they have the right to feel. They show anger a great deal which protects them from exhibiting other feelings.
3. A great deal of emotional pain.
4. Learned not to ask for help: Co-dependents have overwhelming feelings of being on their own and you should never ask for help because then you really are on your own.
5. Not able to get needs met: Not only are co-dependents not able to get their needs met, they often can't even identify their needs.
6. They mistake feelings: They mistake feelings such as control for security, intensity for intimacy, and obsession for fear.
7. Tolerance: Co-dependents have an extremely high tolerance for inappropriate behavior.
8. Anger: Co-dependents often suffer continual feelings of anger that they feel compelled to suppress.
9. Health: Co-dependents do not recognize, or ignore, the injury to their own physical and mental health. They believe the alcoholic or addicts has the problem.
10. Adjustment and change: Co-dependents adjust constantly to external circumstances but never make any real changes.
11. Co-dependents are compulsive about pretending: They hide the truth, they react constantly to the alcoholic or addict, and usually put up a front that everything is OK.
(Denial)

12. Defensiveness: Co-dependents get very defensive about their feelings.
13. Co-dependencies are infectious: Others that are vulnerable will easily get pulled.
14. Realization: In recovery, a co-dependent will come to understand their own role in the cycle of addiction. By working the twelve steps of Nar-Anon, they will learn to change their perception and behavior to regain control over and improve their own lives.

IF the addict recovers and becomes healthy they will often terminate the relationship with the co-dependent (they no longer need an enabler) & the entire dynamic of the relationship changes. The addict comes to resent the co-dependents need for control since the desire in sobriety is to express one's independence (often for the first time). The enabler also needs to realize their issue and enter recovery as well for the relationship to reach a healthy state.

Common Characteristics of Co-Dependency (People pleasing)
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval by you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on pleasing and protecting you.
5. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you (to do it my way).
6. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
7. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests or issues.
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
9. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
10. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
11. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
12. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

EA, Al-Anon or EA and Narc-Anon can help.
Part of the recovery process is when we can see and acknowledge our
behavior. Be patient, live and let God, and above all, be good to yourself.