Detachment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Detachment
Detachment
Changing The Focus
~By BuddyT
I have to admit it took me a long time to understand the concept of "detachment" even after I was in Al-Anon a good while. I think it was because the concept was entirely foreign to me. I was so "attached" to everybody and every situation -- every problem, every crisis -- it got to be that their lives became MY life.
When their disease progressed to the point of total insanity, I was totally insane too! I was trying to change something that I was powerless to change -- mainly, someone else. I was trying to "fix" someone else's problems, when only they could do that.
I was basically trying to argue with a disease! Trying to talk someone out of being sick, it was like saying, you should know better than to have diabetes!!! When I finally understood and accepted that the alcoholic was addicted to something they were also allergic to and they were just as powerless as I was over it; and they needed help, support and encouragement just like I did, I was able to separate the alcoholic from the alcoholism.
For my own serenity, I have made the choice not to live around the active disease. I am able to offer understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic, because I understand today, I truly do.
But I also understand that alcoholics will never get better unless I detach myself from trying to fix them and allow them find their own way into recovery. I cannot continue to maintain anything near serenity, if I allow myself to be engulfed in THEIR problems.
Changing The Focus
~By BuddyT
I have to admit it took me a long time to understand the concept of "detachment" even after I was in Al-Anon a good while. I think it was because the concept was entirely foreign to me. I was so "attached" to everybody and every situation -- every problem, every crisis -- it got to be that their lives became MY life.
When their disease progressed to the point of total insanity, I was totally insane too! I was trying to change something that I was powerless to change -- mainly, someone else. I was trying to "fix" someone else's problems, when only they could do that.
I was basically trying to argue with a disease! Trying to talk someone out of being sick, it was like saying, you should know better than to have diabetes!!! When I finally understood and accepted that the alcoholic was addicted to something they were also allergic to and they were just as powerless as I was over it; and they needed help, support and encouragement just like I did, I was able to separate the alcoholic from the alcoholism.
For my own serenity, I have made the choice not to live around the active disease. I am able to offer understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic, because I understand today, I truly do.
But I also understand that alcoholics will never get better unless I detach myself from trying to fix them and allow them find their own way into recovery. I cannot continue to maintain anything near serenity, if I allow myself to be engulfed in THEIR problems.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
Detachment is the:
Process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry I do not have to be angry too. The same is true for pain, depression or grief.
Detachment is the Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
It involves:
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry I do not have to be angry too. The same is true for pain, depression or grief.
Detachment is the Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
It involves:
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
Often we mistake "being needed" for being loved.
.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural. Detachment is the ability to act rationally and logically rather than react emotionally to a situation or set of circumstances. It allows others the dignity of making their own choices and the opportunity to grow responsibly. Not all our loved ones will make the choices we would like to see them make. Detachment allows us to still care while letting go of the need to effect outcomes.
How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
It does get easier in time. Remember learning to tie your shoes, who among us got that right on the first try? Yet with practice most all of us can tie a pretty nice bow when we need to.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
Often we mistake "being needed" for being loved.
.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural. Detachment is the ability to act rationally and logically rather than react emotionally to a situation or set of circumstances. It allows others the dignity of making their own choices and the opportunity to grow responsibly. Not all our loved ones will make the choices we would like to see them make. Detachment allows us to still care while letting go of the need to effect outcomes.
How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
It does get easier in time. Remember learning to tie your shoes, who among us got that right on the first try? Yet with practice most all of us can tie a pretty nice bow when we need to.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I had a bit of an epiphany today concerning detachment with love. I have developed very good detachment skills but the best I could come up with with my AW was detachment with indifference.
That it hit me, for me to truly be able to detach, I had to love and respect myself. I am in a good place with that and do love myself but I never put it together with detachment with love. It isn't that I love the alcoholic, it's that I love myself.
Your friend,
That it hit me, for me to truly be able to detach, I had to love and respect myself. I am in a good place with that and do love myself but I never put it together with detachment with love. It isn't that I love the alcoholic, it's that I love myself.
Your friend,
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
For me, Initially; it is important to Detach any way you can. Even partial detachment will improve your life. As we mature spiritually in the program the love part comes along with that development.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by m1k3 
That it hit me, for me to truly be able to detach, I had to love and respect myself.
At every Al-Anon meeting we repeat these words: "Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic."
I think that smarter people than me put that in the preamble to the 12 Steps as a reminder...both because it's important and because it's hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Monroe, Mi
Posts: 1
I am having a really hard time detatching. I want to be able to live my life, happy and healthy but I am always concerned about this person. I can't stop myself, I know this is sick behavior but its like I don't have enough self control to stop myself.
,
,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by xgirl87
I am having a really hard time detatching. I want to be able to live my life, happy and healthy but I am always concerned about this person. I can't stop myself, I know this is sick behavior but its like I don't have enough self control to stop myself.
,
,
For me, my wife went into rehab and a couple of weeks later I found Al-Anon. I learned things in Al-Anon (including detachment) that I just couldn't figure out on my own. It didn't happen quickly, but it happened. And I found a lot of love and support. Just getting a hug once a week was enough to keep me coming back.
We put a lot of demands on ourselves thinking we should be able to get "relationships" right all by ourselves. But relationships are hard and I've found that there is a lot of power in having the support of a group of people who've been where I've been and who are going thru what I'm going thru to fall back on for help.
I truly don't think that I could have done it by myself, but you know...I think it's more important to know that I don't have to do it by myself. When I reach out for help, people are there to grab my hand and pull me up.
Take a chance, reach out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 35
I want to detach his head from his shoulders
Our home exploded again today. The AS took our car and went to get his crap. He has a suspended license.
I could not sit still, I drove around town. I could not find him. My wife did an hour later. The car is at a friends house. He came home with his mom. He is now taunting me, and I want to practice detachment.
DR.
I could not sit still, I drove around town. I could not find him. My wife did an hour later. The car is at a friends house. He came home with his mom. He is now taunting me, and I want to practice detachment.
DR.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Columbus, GA
Posts: 3
My husband has multiple addictions, and I threw him out two months back. I made it clear to him at the time that I love him, and pray for him, but that I cannot have anything to do with him unless he cleans up his act.
I was doing pretty well with the detachment thing, but then I stated to feel like I really don't love him anymore, and that even if he gets clean, there is so much damage and mistrust that I don't think I can remain married to him.
Suddenly, yesterday, there was a flurry of communication from him, mostly just stupid "let's be friends" stuff. This soon became more of the same nonsense that we have been going round and around in circles about for the past two years.
I re-stated my point that I cannot have anything further to do with him while he is using and not following a professional recovery plan.
His communication really threw me off balance, and I feel emotionally bruised. Rationally, I can see this for what it is. He is upset because I refuse to enable him any more. He is panicking because her sees me letting go. He realizes that he can no longer manipulate me. I made the mistake of arguing with alcohol and drugs.
I feel like have detached to the point where I really don't want anything more to do with him. I don't know how to continue to love him and show him compassion when I have just had enough of him hurting me, but I still feel so hurt and enmeshed in his drama. I feel like I have to just let go of him completely. Any contact with him throws me because it gives me false hope.
I was doing pretty well with the detachment thing, but then I stated to feel like I really don't love him anymore, and that even if he gets clean, there is so much damage and mistrust that I don't think I can remain married to him.
Suddenly, yesterday, there was a flurry of communication from him, mostly just stupid "let's be friends" stuff. This soon became more of the same nonsense that we have been going round and around in circles about for the past two years.
I re-stated my point that I cannot have anything further to do with him while he is using and not following a professional recovery plan.
His communication really threw me off balance, and I feel emotionally bruised. Rationally, I can see this for what it is. He is upset because I refuse to enable him any more. He is panicking because her sees me letting go. He realizes that he can no longer manipulate me. I made the mistake of arguing with alcohol and drugs.
I feel like have detached to the point where I really don't want anything more to do with him. I don't know how to continue to love him and show him compassion when I have just had enough of him hurting me, but I still feel so hurt and enmeshed in his drama. I feel like I have to just let go of him completely. Any contact with him throws me because it gives me false hope.
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