This is a beautiful thread, and I'm glad I found it tonight.
My dad quit a lifelong battle with alcoholism about 15 years ago. He didn't use AA, and he never talked about it. It was just like one day he was done and that was it. His brother (my uncle) died two summers ago and my sis tells me that dad got drunk right after. You'd think that would alarm me, but it didn't. I totally thought, "Well, if you can't drink over that, then what can you drink over?" Obviously if he had continued to drink it would have been a different story, but he didn't. I don't think that means his 15 years were for naught, but that anyone can slip, and sometimes we are able to have one episode rather than completely lapse back into addiction.
I've tried AA and NA and I think those programs are wonderful for a lot of people. However, I couldn't ever get past Step 1, and that was not for lack of trying. It seemed like there was something that everyone else understood that I couldn't get no matter what I read or how many meetings I attended. I really think that it was through AA that I realized just how little belief in a higher power I have. I wanted one, but it felt like a lie to sit there and participate in a program that so strongly revolves around that concept.
I'm not clean at all, and I don't know if I ever will be. I want to be done, but it keeps dragging me back. When I drank heavily I was able to quit, much like my dad. It never pulled me back in like drugs (painkillers) have. When I found them I was taken by surprise that something could make me feel soooooo good. And ever since I have been chasing that feeling. I hate being a slave to this thing, but I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can leave them alone for long periods and other times I take so many that I lose track. Sometimes I feel that the drug controls me, but mostly I feel that it is a choice I make. I have stared down the barrel of the gun and willfully pulled that trigger. If the urge to quit ever overwhelms the urge to use I will know I'm done, but I fear that will never happen.