Lisa1978

Hi Everyone,

I've never done anything like this before but today something inside of me seems to have snapped. I am currently in the middle of a messy ending to another failed relationship and I feel that I cannot cope. Both of parents are alcoholics. My mum and dad split up when I was five years old. My mother became very promiscuous when she was drinking and could not stop drinking once she started. My father became violent to my mother frequently and to us kids on occasion. They split when my mother met another man who was also an alcoholic, but he was rich, and that seemed to suit her!

Funnily enoough, she then embarked on 15 years of sobriety. My step father was incredibly abusive both physically and emotionally. He used to make my mother tell him in front of myself and my sister that she loved him more than us. He became sexually abusive toward me when I was around 12 which culminated with him throwing me out at 14. My mother suffered from severe depression all throughout my life and she was no match for his manipulative ways. I became addicted to heroin and alcohol after the death of my grandmother (who I was close to) but I have been sober for 8 years now. I went back to university to study law, modelled and tried to build a life for myself. I was in a very healthy and loving relationship for five years, however the consistency must have eventually made me bore of it. I then proceeded to carry on a relationship with a man who as much older than me who was an alcoholic. I ended this relationship, then regretted it and begged him to take me back. He said that he knew he would never change and that he wouldn't put me through it. I was heartbroken and self destructive for a long time after the demise of that and continued to try to reconcile even though i knew i didn't want a relationship with him.

I picked myself up again and by this time my mother had started drinking again. She would be sleeping with strange men and then reuinted with my stepfather after many years separation and agreed with his condition that I was not to step foot in their marital house despite the fact I had been supporting her for a few years. She also told me that he didn't mean to do what he had done to me when I was younger as he was drunk and thought that I was her! She also pulled out her ol' favourite thing to say to me: that I was a "victim" and couldn't forget the past and that the reason my partner drank was because of me.

Her relationship ended badly when my stepfather beat her in a drunken rage and then me when i arrived afer her panicked phone call and tried to intervene. A court injunction was taken so as to keep him away from her, my sister and myself but she quickly met up with another man and continued drinking.

I left my home country of Australia and travelled to ENgland. I was determined to stay single and focus on myself so as to make better relationship decisions. I travelled a lot, had a great flat and a great job. I was happy.

I stayed single for two years and then met who I thought was the man of my dreams. We got on famously, he was motivated, thoughtful, kind and followed me around the world. He drank, but it didn't seem out of control at all. We moved in together after a 4-5 months and everything was great. I then started to notice how regular his drinking was. He would drink to the point of getting drunk 6 nights out of seven. He works incredibly hard and everynight would end up at the pub for a wind down that ended up with him being so drunk that he couldn't talk. He got arrested, hurt himself and hurt me (accidentally due to knocking in to me because he couldn't balance himself), he would repeatedly make sexual advances on me when he was very very drunk and would not stop despite me telling him how horrible it made me feel. He always was so okay the next day though, i somehow managed to think it was all fine. When I started to express my worry he would turn it around on me and tell me that it was because of my background and i was the one that had real problems. He would tell me that we needed space and ask me to leave the house. As I had put all my money in to our relationship (food, bills, travel etc) i had no savings left and was forced to return home because i couldn't cope. This happened three times and we are not talking crossing towns, or even states. It is a 24 hour plane ride!! Once I left he would beg for forgiveness and tell me it would be okay and i would trot back to him all doe eyed! THe last time this happened I got pnuemonia from all the stress and couldn't make it back to the UK in order to extend my skilled migrant visa and then the laws changed in relation to visa program meaning i was not eligble! So, the country that I had been living in for four years i was now not eligble to return to. I was beside myself with grief and stuck in Australia. My partner was in contact with me telling me how much he loved me and how it would all be okay. He recognised that he had a problem and was going to do whatever it takes to make it better with me. He claimed that he finally realised how much I meant to him and that this was an amazing revelation. He convinced me to come back to the UK and that we would sort out my visa from here and go to counselling. He claimed that he would financially support me as I had had to spend my savings on the trips back home. As all of my belongings were at our home (I only had two weeks worth of clothes with me!!) and I really wanted to believe that what he was saying was true, I returned to the UK.

This was one month ago. The first two weeks were great, I work with a homeless charity at xmas and was really busy. We were hanging out, laughing and I was so happy to be with him. I thought that everything was going to be okay. 2 weeks ago it was his birthday and even though i didn't have much money i planned a special day. He didn't come home after work but went to the pub with a co-worker. 3 hours after he was due home he rang me from the pub actng like nothing was wrong. I didn't get angry or lose my temper I just said i felt sad as he said he was going to be back in time for our dinner. He came home and completely went for me. Telling me how unreasonable i was, how pissed off he was and all the rest. Things calmed down and the next day we semi smoothed things over. I waited for a few days to calmly talk to him about how i was feeling. He used that opportunity to tell me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have children despite the fact this is something we have spoken about and agreed upon before. That day we broke up. The arguing continued on for days and I even said that we could adopt a "wait and see" attitude towards the having kids decision. Things just spiralled out of control and i left the flat we shared. I am now sleeping on the floor at a friend's place, stuck in a country where my visa is in dispute, with no money and a broken heart. (A rather large helping of self loathing to boot) I have been in this situation a week. When we have spoken on the phone he is so cold to me. He told me today that the fact that i was willing to compromise on something that i wanted (children) was indicative of the sort of strength of character I had. I feel completely out of control of my emotions and utterly exhausted.

This is an absolute opus!!!! I am sorry to vent to you all. I am so scared and confused. I do not know what to do.

Lisa