i was abused physcially ... heres my problem...
first a little aboutthe4 episode... because i am told the more i talk about it the more i'll heal... because i've been sober for almost 7 months now and have really only talked about it 2 or 3 times... i live at a womens revocery home and have had plenty of chances to work in out in our group therapys ...or my one on one counseling w/our therapist .. but never did because i knew what they'd all say ..to leave him....
i was beat many times by him and hes not the first.. but he made all the rest of my abusive relationships seem not so scarey and more child like... i feared for my life .... yet i'll still try to rationalize it ..like well he was drunk or loaded or it was my fault i messed with his head and kept lying to him. etc etc ...
the night he put me in the hospital was one of the 2 most scariest episodes with him... he showed up at this cyber cafe i was at ... last time i saw him things were fine ... so this was so unexpected ... he ripped out in front of the entire place by my hair ....threw me in his car and proceeded to drive around for 2 hours beating like a man with me in the back seat him driving and some firend of his in the front seat.... punching in the face in the head ... pulling a knife on me ... the ordeal ... the struggel went on for 2 1/2 hours ... i was terrified ... he was insanely crazy and drunk .... it ended w/ me making a run for out of his car and i jumped through some total stangers window and ran threw there house.... then taken away in an ambulance ... i'd beencut with knife in severzal places and didnt even know it ... had to get staples in my arm stitches here and there ... and
i still went back to him... he pulled gun one time and put it to my head and loaded it .. etc etc
we ened up months later going to jail and i have been in recovery ever since and hes been in prison ... not for anything having to do with that... well he got 60 days for domestic violence but he got out since then and i tried to go back iwth him but he hit me agai...
hes due to get out of prison again...in the next 2 weeks i have been writting him and thoght i could stick it out with him.. cuz hes going into a program when he gets out ... but a really big part of me just wants out of that relationship... but the sicker part of me cant let it go .... i cant find the strength to end it ... why ??? i dont understand .... what do i do .... i pray and pray for the obsession to be removed but i dont know if its out of fear or if its that i am determined to make him see i am not the bad person he thinks ... but am i so determined i am willing to put my life at stake ... when wasl oaded or drunk i could excuse it cuz i my mind wasn't in full working capacity ... but i am sober now ... please anyone with advise please help me...