Damaged82

Or am I becoming stronger? I guess the alcohol is the same enemy in my life as it once was, but how to handle it is now becoming more and more difficult. It's confusing, to say the least. One minute, you think you have a handle on it, then *BHAM* the AH throws you for another loop only leaving your trust the size of a gnat. It's just episode after episode. I have begun to stop EXPECTING him to change. It's heartbreaking, it really is, when I love a man this much but feel no strength left to deal with it. I have taken it in and now understand that this is HIS problem and I do indeed have a choice whether or not I want to be a part of it. It's just so damn hard! I know he's been sober (as far as I know) for a couple of weeks, but the other day...I don't know what told me to do it.

I got home a few minutes early last weekend. AH was in the shower. My gut told me to check, to make ME feel better, so I grabbed his keys and slid quietly out the door. I rummaged through his cluttered back seat and my instinct hadn't let me down. I had found three empty quarts of beer and an empty 32 oz. can of beer that's not his norm. I'm not even shocked anymore. But anger moves over me that he's still betraying me and sneaking behind my back. My trust in him is completely gone and I feel as though I can't count on him for anything. He's not reliable, he's not responsible. The person I know about when he's not around me, I despise and would typically spit in his face. I feel rather embarrassed to be seen with him when he's on a rampage. It's just that he's all this when I'm not around. So, when He has a day off and I have to work, I spend my whole day worrying about what kind of drama I'm going to come home to. That, or I try to get the day off, too. But I can only do that so often.

I listen to myself here, and the guy scares me. He sounds like a flat-out *explative* to me. But he's not always. Sometimes I'm the cranky one. Sometimes he annoys me when he talks and talks about nothing I understand. But I know how much he loves me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He cooks for me, never lets me open a door. Pulls out my chair in restaurants. Gives me back rubs. Puts me first. So wonderful, right? It's like he's everywoman's dream and nightmare rolled into one and it's driving me up a wall. I tiptoe around my words and bite my tongue so very hard during arguments, even though he's never shown such restraint. The way I react depends on how I feel it will make him respond. If I feel he'll go off in a tangent and scream, I won't do it. Or I'll try to speak calmly and collectively to get my point across while he's screaming. But there's only so many times I can hold back.

But, then I go home...and everythings fine. I fall in love with him all over again every day that goes smoothly. I begin to trust him again. I begin to see a future with him, rather than looking for a place on my own after our lease is up. I'm scared. I'm terrified b/c I don't know what to do or how to do it. Any words of wisdom? Thanks guys *hugz to all* ~Damaged~