Hello TE,
I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's hard. I have the most wonderful son. He is a joy to be around when he is sober. I spent 3 wonderful months with him until he drank again. He instantly became mean and abusive. I learned to separate my son from his disease. This disease will rob, kill and destroy everything in it's path if it can. I cannot let this disease kill me and I can only pray it doesn't kill my son.
Right now drinking is the way my son survives. He will survive this way until he finds a better way to survive. He doesn't know there is a better way right now. He has been drinking for so long that he can't grow enough to find another way. It's going to have to get bad enough where the alternative (recovery) is easier than drinking.
None of us can take this disease personally. It knows no names and targets everyone in it's path. It is more powerful than all of us. We have to admit we are powerless and let a power greater than ourselves bring us all back to sanity.
You can't do this alone and finding an alanon or naranon group would probably benefit you more than you know. Having others around that share your experience can be so comforting. I've been where you are and found my way out. The same road will be there for you too. We all fall from time to time, but know how to get back up and move on. You have everything you need within yourself to live life. You just don't realize it yet.
Hugs,
MG