Something I shared in a discussion recently...
Some people come into these (AA) rooms seeking to learn how to drink "normally". It usually doesn't take them too long to figure out that they're in the wrong place.
Other people seem to come in to the these (AA) rooms seeking to learn how NOT to drink. That's fine and dandy for as far as it goes, but its only a start. Alcohol is only mentioned once in the steps, and only in the first step at that.
Many people either come into these (AA) rooms, or come to the realization while in these (AA) rooms, that they're here to learn how to live -- either "again" or in some cases for the first time.
That was certainly the case for me. Its like that saying, "Its not so much that I wanted to die as it is that I had forgotten how to live".
I think one of the aspects of a dry drunk is that they've simply stopped using alcohol -- for whatever reason they haven't made the transition yet to wanting to live again.
Some common characteristics include still obsessing about whether or not they are "really" an alcoholic -- since "enough" time has gone by to dry out, maybe they can safely use again kind of thing... denial even though they aren't using... "white-knuckling".
Another is the "alcoholic mindset" -- emotional hypersensitivity... "you just don't understand"... "I'm better than this (and therefore better than YOU)"... delusions... inability to face facts... isolating themselves, even in a crowd.
Its like they've gone back to where they were right before they started using regularly. They're again continually faced with the decision of whether or not to start drinking. Despite all the empirical evidence they've already collected, they still haven't turned away from alcohol use as a possibility in their lives.
Sometimes old-timers recognize this as a need for the person to "...go out and work on your story some more..." They see that the person hasn't yet come to the realization that alcohol won't solve their problems, it will only make the problems worse, because the person STILL isn't willing to face head-on the PROBLEM OF LIVING LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS. This is also part of what old-timers mean by "...willing to do anything..."
"...Its not so much that I wanted to die as it is that I had forgotten how to live..." And somewhere in that messy morass I crossed a line with my alcohol use and found myself locked into a death-spiral.
Stopping drinking is only the start. My life's problems were still there waiting for me. Not using alcohol allows me to face those problems and to deal with them. To me, a dry drunk hasn't yet come to that realization, or isn't yet willing to start dealing with those problems, so they stay in their misery. Perhaps they're white-knuckling, still in denial. Perhaps they're waiting for someone ELSE to do it for them. Perhaps they're STILL looking for some sort of "escape". Perhaps they're paying some kind of penance. In any case, I don't think they've made the decision to tackle dealing with their own lives head-on and without fear.
Just my two cents...