My fourth step started out with a short reading, the end of page 63 to just about the end of page 64 of the big book. Then, I wrote out my grudge list (people, institutions and principles with which I was angry, and I had to have some of each). Some entries had multiple resentments against them.
Then, a short reading, end of page 64 through most of page 66. Next, on left handed pages of the notebook, I began to examine each resentment. At the very top of each page I wrote out a prayer: God help me to be honest, God help me to remember, God give me courage to write inventory. The page was then divided into 3 headings, left to right. Leftmost column was “resentful at”. Here went the name of the target of the resentment. Middle column, “the cause”. Here the resentment was stated. Rightmost column (again this was left pages only) was “affects my”, which was broken down into 7 areas (listed vertically). The areas were self esteem, sex relations, personal relations, ambition, pocketbook, security and fear. For all of these (except fear, more on that later) I wrote a brief explanation of how I was affected. I went through the entire grudge list, and all resentments associated with it. This portion of the 4th step was comparatively easy although it was no fun wading through the old pain. Being self centered, I had little trouble spotting the areas where I was affected.
Again a short reading, last full paragraph on 66 through last full paragraph on 67. Now for the right side pages, and maybe the toughest part! What was my part in all these situations? Generally five vertical headings here: Where was I selfish, where was I self seeking (still can’t see the difference between the first 2 but had to write something different for each), where was I dishonest, where was I frightened, occasionally a heading just for me – where was I feeling self pity, and finally where was I to blame. Those right side pages were a real struggle, but as is usually the case in these situations, there was much to learn. I had to quit viewing myself as the victim of circumstance, and I had to learn the practice of constructive self criticism, something completely foreign to my nature and experience. I also began to notice a trend that started on the left handed pages, repetition. I saw myself reacting in the same manner over and over, though I tried very hard to spot variations. I once thought of myself as a unique and highly complex human being, but as it turns out my bag of tricks wasn’t so full. I was hasty in selecting the notebook, and at one point a few pages worked themselves out. I’m still not sure I put them back in the right spots!
Next, back to that fear thing. This reading went from near end of page 67 to near end of page 68. Then, time to ADD pages to the notebook! For each resentment, I’d staple a page to the top of the right handed pages (so it could be lifted up from the bottom. The inserted pages were divided into 4 vertical columns. They were headed: What is the fear, why do I have this fear, self reliance and God reliance. “What is the fear” tied in with that last item on the left handed pages, what fear did I get from each resentment. I would list one for each resentment. “why do I have this fear” was like peeling back layers. I would start out with the original fear and find the fear behind it, working my way back as far as I could. Under “self reliance”, I listed character traits that were the byproducts of my self reliance associated with the fears to the left, things like greed, self pity, self righteousness, etc. “God reliance” was what I could expect to find by taking the opposite tack, and traits like humility and self contentment wound up being listed.
Now, a little about my sex inventory. First, of course, a reading – end of page 68 through most of page 70. Then, back to the grudge list. By this time, many, many months had passed, and in the interest of actually finishing this step during the current millennium, I divided the grudge list items into 13 or 14 groups of like items. Then, 9 questions on each: where had I been (1) selfish, (2) dishonest, (3) inconsiderate? (4) Whom did I hurt? (5) Where did I unjustifiably arouse (5) jealousy, (6) suspicion, (7) bitterness? (8) Where was I at fault, and (9) what should I have done instead?
It was explained to me that the sex inventory was not intended to be a laundry list of the times I had diddled around on the ex wife or other shameful dark secrets, although they would be examined here. Rather, I would write through the prism of how I viewed myself as a man and how it affected my actions. It also wound up being a catch all for previously unaddressed items. No fancy columns or headings here, just straight narrative. More bashing for the ego, more learning about objectivity, and more self knowledge. By the time I was done I had compiled a heavy document, and learned more about myself than at any other time in my life.