Thank you Cynay!
I have been sitting here reading posts and waiting for someone to read mine and reply. That is how much this has been bothering me! I knew I needed one person to tell me it was ok before I could sleep tonight.... so thank you.
The guilt sucks. I know my dad will likely never get help. I know his manipulation and verbal abuse tears me down and makes me fall into that pit of depression that I have come to fear. I know my crying after his phone calls and my 3 year old daughter innocently offering me her blankie to "make me feel better" is not healthy for me - or my daughter.
HOWEVER... this all said, I still feel bad that he calls me sober during the day, leaves me voicemail (while I sit and wonder what he is saying to my voicemail, staring at the phone - hating that ring, not wanting to check the voicemail and hear his voice) and asks what he can get the kids for Xmas, as if it isn't obvious that we have not spoken in 6 months. As if he doesn't remember or want to remember the fact that I asked him out of my life. I feeel bad. I feel like the worst, most evil person in the world. It is his manipulation again - I know this. He KNOWS what to say and how to say it. " I know you usually help me with picking out the kids gifts and I need you to help me again this year. If I don't hear from you soon I will have to get them gift cards. I know you must be really busy with Xmas and two small kids. I miss you a lot."
UGGGGGHHHH! I feel awful because:
1. I don't miss you
2. I hate who you have become
3. You won't get to know the beauty that is my children
4. You will likely die from your disease surrounded by family who supported/hid/enabled your drinking
5. When you aren't drunk you can be nice... but those times are becoming few
6. No one else in our family will stand up with me and say you have a problem. They'd rather beg the cops to let off the hook for your second DUI and promise that cop if he does (let you off the hook) they'll stay with you all night to make sure you don't leave again. Then, when the cops leave... so does your family.
Ugh ugh ugh....